I’m a mean girl.
My whole life I’ve been quick to defend myself, and even quicker to write people off when they’ve wronged me. I’ve lost a lot of friends, caused others a lot of hurt, and probably missed out on a lot of love because of this. I’m sure that some of this has to do with some of the more difficult situations life has found me in the midst of; a lot of it also has to do with being a human, a sinner from birth destined to fail at being good, but saved by Jesus and His sacrifice of life.
I’m prone to be short on grace and long on selfishness.
God has been softening my heart and teaching me how to love better over the months that I’ve been on the race, but I back slide often. While I was in Cambodia, I received feedback from a teammate; in a nutshell, she told me I loved conditionally. My attitude and demeanor weren’t always conveying Jesus’ love.
I was so offended. I sat through the feedback, listening to every word, but picking out bits and pieces of what she was saying and immediately turning the fragments into offenses. I couldn’t believe she was saying this stuff in front of my whole team, my pride flared up like arthritis on a cold, rainy day.
Here’s the thing, she was nervous to say this to me. She knew it was going to be hard for me to hear, but she had prayed and fasted about it, so clearly this was coming from a place of love, and a desire of hers for me to be better.
So I reacted poorly. I cried and wallowed in my hammock. I raged and stormed about in my head, exclaiming over and over that I was so good at loving, and really just looked for ways to defend myself and counter what she had said.
After I calmed myself down from my internal temper tantrum, I was like ok, well I need to pray about this and see what God has to show me in this- there must be something of value…. I guess…
There was so much that He wanted me to learn from this feedback; it’s still affecting me today. The time I spent reflecting and asking Him to show me, I learned so much about my ugliness and tendencies to be just like what my teammate had said. I also learned so much about His grace for me in those failures, that He is my Defender, Justifier, and that He loves me. Guess what else I realized… I do love conditionally- we all do. Conditional love is a human fault, and no matter how great we get at loving we can’t ever be perfect at it until we’re done being human.
As God revealed all of these things that He desired to refine in me, my pride and offense subsided and I began to desire those refinements too. I prayed that He would open my eyes to see the people around me for who He created them to be: beautiful, unique, kind, compassionate, sweet children of His. I prayed that He would love them through me, because I know that I can’t love them on my own.
He did. God totally changed my heart, and by the end of Viet Nam I was seriously in love with my team, the strangers I was meeting to minister to, our contacts and their families. God lit a fire in me and started molding my heart to love like He does. He gave me more of an ability to be compassionate and kind, rather than irritable and unforgiving.
I grew into comfortability, and found myself in a sweet spot with some incredible sisters. God was doing a lot of work in me, and I was feeling so great where I was at. So, what better time than when we’re comfortable for a change?
We travelled to meet the rest of our squad and squeezed into a couple of busses like sardines. After arriving in Vung Tao for a few days of debrief, I relaxed and rested up at the beach, getting tossed in the waves and toasty in the sunshine. I had a breakfast date with my sweet squad leader Natalie scheduled, and was really excited to catch up with her. We shared what The Lord was doing in each of our lives, and after about an hour, she caught me super off guard with a quick turn in the conversation.
“We’d like you to consider being a team leader,” she said. Immediately my heart raced and my stomach dropped. My very first thought was no! No no no, I’m really happy. I love my team, we’re doing so well together, I enjoy being free of responsibility, I’m comfortable! God you’re doing so much in me right where I am! The next things in my head were from The Lord: yea, you are comfortable, yea, I have done a lot in you on this team, and the reason for that work was to get you ready for this next thing. So I knew then, that I was supposed to say yes. I knew that despite my natural instinct to stay put, stay comfy, and choose ease, I needed to move into this next season. I knew it wasn’t going to be easy or perfect, and that I would probably not always do a great job, but I also knew that if I put Jesus at the center and focused on Him, He would do the leading through me.
I got the gift of a whole new team, and a lot of new responsibility right before we headed into India, the month I was noooot looking forward to, not even a little. Along with all of this, I also got sweet affirmation from God and a peace about where He was leading me.
So, the moral of the story- accept and embrace change. Trust that the hard feedback is the best feedback, and let him work in you- don’t be stubborn! Let Him lead you into new places, uncomfortable places, and you’ll find that those are the sweetest places.
