Let me start by saying that I wrote this blog, in my tent, slightly sick….my current schedule is: wake up at 7 or 8, help the kids for awhile, then take a 2-3 hour nap for the afternoon…then, in a struggle I wake up, eat some dinner, attempt to socialize for a bit before falling back asleep by 8 again…today I went to the Swaziland doctor, I don’t have malaria…that’s all he could tell me…I get the bloodwork back Monday.
Could I Grow Numb?
I sit here in my tent, pondering life yet again. I listen to some music, and wonder if I still have the spark about this journey I’m on. I look into the eyes of the children we minister to day in and day out. I have to ask this question…have I grown numb?
I remember rolling into Los Jardines and Tambo de Mora in Peru back in January, seeing the destruction caused by the earthquake. I attempt to put myself back to that point mentally, can I still smell the smells and taste the dirt that would blow into my mouth? Can I still see the smiles and tears of the people I met there? Can I still evoke the emotion of the destruction there? I think so, but I can’t duplicate it. I can simply remember what I felt, I can’t go back and feel it again. I flip through pictures of my times there, and can remember the things I saw and remember how I felt, but to say that I went back to that same spot emotionally would be a lie.
I continue on in my hunt for past emotions, past feelings, past everything. I look at my times in Nauta and Iquitos, Peru. It nearly seems so long ago that I was there, but their names are still engraved in my heart. I think about the promises of the people there to continue praying for them and think…when was the last time I kept true to that promise? I see their living conditions, and can sort through my library of emotions to remember what I felt that day, but again, I can’t put myself back there emotionally.
Alright, I’ll go to Bolivia…same thing. I look into Remberto’s eyes through a picture, and remember much of what went on in my time spent in the Bolivian rainforest working alongside this amazing man, yet still, I can’t get that “feeling” of that emotion I had as I stood there next to him, sweat pouring from my head. I may remember some moments, and some thoughts I had…but never once can I duplicate my emotions for it.
We have moved on to Africa, starting out in Backdoor, South Africa. It was merely weeks ago that I was there, in the midst of the poverty that surrounded me. I can still remember many of the moments that I stood in awe of the sunsets and mere landscape that surrounded me. I can freshly remember many faces. I am starting to notice something about my feelings about it…or the lack there of.
Now I’m here in Nsoko, Swaziland…working with children that once again struggle to eat one meal a day. I look into their eyes, and feel for them. I struggle and fight my way into attempting to see what a day in the life of one of these kids is like. It’s getting harder to do though. I am in the midst of the days here, thinking to myself, why does the poverty here not bother me anymore? Why can I see these kids, have a minor heartbreak over their situation, but not have a complete breakdown and feel some of those emotions I felt in Peru? Is it because I think that one is in a worse position than the other? no…they are both in incredible need for help both physically and spiritually, I fear that I am starting to become numb to it though. Many people go on short term mission trips that break their hearts and change them forever…I’m in the midst of 11 short term trips, and the broken heart syndrome is slowly dying. I don’t think this is good, but I don’t truly know.
Before you jump the gun and think that I’m going off the deep end, let me correct that. I still feel for the people we minister to day in and day out. I am just realizing that the zeal and excitement has worn off, and I’m left with the true situation that extreme poverty exists, and now I’m comfortable with it. I can go into the poorest of the poor areas and not be surprised anymore. The shock and awe is over. The honeymoon is over, and the “mundane” is setting in. How can this happen with an experience like this? I don’t know, but I believe that we get comfortable and settle into any way of life we are thrown into, and after the shock of it all, we settle in and we realize that we’re alright.
Maybe I’m not all with it tonight, maybe I’m just realizing that my emotions are quickly leaving the situations I’m in. I don’t believe that we can live our life out of emotions either though, so I think I’m alright in my ways. I can still feel heartbroken for people and their situations with leaving my emotions out of it.
My question and fear is this: Do I still have the same emotions and feelings in the midst of the situation, but I’m now comfortable with those emotions and simply am accustom to them? If so, did the emotions I had in my life before The World Race simply exist in my mind without my realizing it? Will those emotions from before The World Race come back to being a factor when I return to the United States?
Or am I just insane? (don’t answer that question! Ha!)
