My heart flees from You,
Where my soul wishes to rest.
My wickedness is before my eyes,
I see it and despise myself.
Why have you given me this Spirit?
Of what value am I?
I witness grace and am stubborn.
It has me confounded Father.
Why is it you bear with me?
You are faithful,
I am not.
I once found fullness in You.
Yet the world says “come,”
She whispers to me in lies.
My own mind deceives me.
My heart follows and my soul weeps.
I am weak
Build me up in your strength
Speak to me with the Voice that creates.
I wrote this psalm a few weeks ago after falling back into habits I buried on the race.
At the age of twelve pornography and masturbation set its hooks in my life.
It has been a huge barrier in my walk with Jesus.
Walking into this at a young age it was full of excitement and pleasure. It was a trap! One that is hard to escape.
The bars of this trap are shame!
During one of our classes here at CGA we discussed guilt and shame and one of the statements made spoke to me.
Guilt is the recognition of making a mistake and feeling remorseful.
However, shame is identifying oneself as a mistake.
We misplace our identity and feel unlovable. In my case, for many years, I was unable to even love myself.
You can only see yourself, because of your actions, as this dirty thing that you hate. And if you hate yourself, how could God, or anyone, love you.
In my life this thought would cause me to run back to masturbation and pornography because during those times I felt temporally satisfied.
During these cycles in my past it was incredibly difficult, nearly impossible to come to my Father. My shame kept me from Him.
This was true with Adam and Eve as well. After they sinned they saw themselves differently and they hid. They recognized themselves as naked and couldn’t bear to be in the Lords presence.
He was still seeking to love them.
Pursing them.
He made the first sacrifice to clothe them and cover their shame so they wouldn’t see themselves in this way.
He has made the same sacrifice for us in Christ!
We should still feel guilty and repent when we knowingly sin, but He intends for us to view ourselves as His beloved sons and daughters.
This is who you are in Christ: a loved child, not a dirty mistake.
