When your a kid and you grow a couple of inches your body hurts. You pray for the day that the growth is no longer a pain to deal with, but when it does happen the pain has already passed so you don’t really think about the process anymore. The world race has been just like this for me, I pray for the day the pain of my past no longer defines who i am, but I have to grow through it………
So yesterday I was at team time and it happened. One of my teammates asked how I was because I have been distant the past few days. I told them where I am at, and everyone had something to say to me as a response. This World Race has been hard because I am truly trying to change who I am and make it so when I do its more like Christ. I have been holding onto so much pain and hate my whole life, that its uncomfortable for me to feel love. When people get close to me I automatically assume that its going to end with them leaving. I know that they are uncomfortable when I touch them so I don’t give hugs. When I am going through struggles I stay quiet because I don’t want to bother them with it. A lot of this has come through experiences that I have had with people. It eventually switched to no matter what happened its the way I think……
My team all had something to say about this. Not in a negative way, but in we love you and don’t want you to be hurting way. Initially thats not what I felt, because why would a bunch of strangers (They are not anymore, but for the sake of explanation) even care about some overweight self deprecating loner like me? Well that thought process is the reason why I hate the World Race…because before this race I would never have thought about how to grow past this, I would just stay in it because its what I know. I hate the fact that I can’t just stay where I am, because for some reason these other people get affected by how I live. This by no means is a new concept, but for me it is……
How do you move past something that you’ve always known and still be who God has called you to be?? Well for me I am currently trying to figure this out, and man is it hard….I look at my squad and see how they interact with one another….I see how they love one another and I always do this in the background…So up to this point on the race I am not very close to a lot of them, instead of pursuing relationships, I have put myself into a box and can now see the effect of what that has done.
I’m tired of living in a state of constant hurt. I’m tired of not feeling love like others know how to. I’m tired of being tired, and I’m so ready to give this all to God. I’m not quite sure where to start, or what it will look like once it’s finished, but I’m not going to quit this time. I AM going to learn to be a better friend, a better son, and a better brother. This time the growth process is going to work, and by the end of the race I will be a different me…..
So this is me trying to take a step in the right direction, this is me trying to let God break me, this is me trying to grow….this is why sometimes I hate the World Race
