By this I mean that actually sleeping in a tent or on the ground. Doing the activities and eating whatever we were given. These are the typical things you would think about when you hear training camp, train to be a missionary and what they would do.This was all really easy….well until I heard God say I want more….
I am notorious at holding things in and keeping everything to myself. I can struggle with the same thing for decades it seems, and honestly there are a couple of things that has been at least a decade. I actually allowed God in during camp (weird right, I mean I’m a christian why would I do that haha), but seriously I have been seriously lacking in that area. God showed me that I have not been trusting him and that I need to let go of control.
For some this may be easy, but its one of the hardest things for me. It actually has nothing to do with God and me not wanting to trust him, it stems down to how I’ve been treated my whole life, by others and myself. I actually hated myself, and I’m not sure when that started officially. This then transformed my relationship with God, because if I hated myself how could he love me, so there wasn’t much room for him.
As a squad we broke out into small groups and there were 4 of us and one of our leaders in my group. We all shared about what we were struggling with and as always I went last. This didn’t help though because I ended up breaking down in front of these complete strangers at the time, it allowed God to start doing work, but it really sucked at the same time, mainly because I didn’t want to do it!
The rest of the week was struggling with the fact of what just happened and letting God in. Being around people is another struggle that coincides with this.There is still a part of me that is still fighting itself, because it doesn’t seem real the way my squad mates are treating me, and how genuinely they care for me. I know this isn’t true and it is genuine, its just weird for me. This also has nothing to do with them, its been my own hatred for myself that hasn’t allowed me to dive into real relationship with anyone but a couple of people. So needless to say I finally let God in and I recognize these things now, but now is the hard part, actually working on them.
Ahead of me is a road of redemption with myself and also so stay connected with God. A road that needs to raise 6300 in 4 weeks, and literally living on prayer to do it. A road that has me teamed up with some of the coolest people you would ever want to meet!!
This road is an unknown one, and its honestly the only one I want to be on. God has called me to this, and because of this “easy” camp, I know this without a doubt, so thank you for your prayers and continued support because this road has just started!!!!!
