Fear of commitment

 

The words on the commitment form stared at me. “If I sign this, there is no going back,” I thought.

 

As part of The World Race, Adventures in Missions promises to be by us throughout the entire process, praying for us, fasting for us and being there for anything we need. In turn, we make the commitment not only to the organization, but to our teammates and of course, God.

 

Now, I’ve always thought that I’m pretty big on commitment. Whether someone says they’re going to have lunch with me or be my best friend for life, I expect that person to come through. Likewise, I try my best to be the person who comes through for others.

 

When I signed that form I thought of the following commitments I was making: leaving my job, friends and family behind, selling things, living out of a backpack, learning to pray more and learning to live with a group of people from all over the country. I thought, “These things are hard, but totally doable.” I didn’t realize the commitment started from the moment it was made, not on Aug. 1.

 

Since I sent the signed commitment in, I realized that God is wanting much more than me leaving the comforts of home. He wants me to make my home uncomfortable. 

 

In the last several weeks, I have been challenged to let things go like I’ve never been challenged before. When my accountability partner and best friend, Laura, asked if holding on to a certain questionable friendship would distract me from what I was trying to do, I said “Nah, I’ll be good, I know what I’m doing.” 

 

“Not so,” God said, and the distraction was taken away since I couldn’t do it myself.

 

“Fine, I get it. I’ll let it go.”

 

When the church that planted the seed of my faith called and asked, “What exactly are you doing going on this trip with others not of your denomination? We cannot support this.” Everything inside of me wanted to be hurt and angry and demand answers. This has always, always been my natural reaction to such attitudes.

 

“Do you trust me?” God asks.

 

“Yes,” I, at this point, have to say. “I’ll let it go.”  

 

I’m learning that the commitment my teammates and I have made is a commitment of change. We are all learning how to hand all of these things that are immediately thrown at us over to God starting now, not in a few months. I have found this new fear of commitment, knowing that unnecessary things that I have wanted for myself will be stripped away piece by piece. But this fear is an exciting one, knowing that I can feel God mold me on a daily basis when for so long I was molding myself.

 

As I was writing this, my teammate Nikki IMed me and told me to read Romans 4:19-21. She had no idea I was writing this.  

 

“Without weakening in his faith, he faced the fact that his body was as good as dead…Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised.”

 

So my “yes” will continue to be “yes.”