12:30 A.M. GUA MUSANG, MALAYSIA.
Cornflakes. Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix. Sticky air. The occasional traveling of an ant across my arm, neck, or ankle.
Now, let’s move on to the most deep things…
I actually write more than it appears. My blog doesn’t give way to my minor addiction. I consistently jot down thoughts in my current journal throughout each day. If I lived in Biblical times, I would have LOVED to be a scribe. Each of my days contains multiple entries dated and marked by the specific time of day. That’s the way it has to be because of the incessant thoughts zipping through my head like minnows swarming about in little stream. Transferring these considerations from my mind onto the peculiarly processed and flattened trees gives me a sense of agreement and closure.
But the closure never truly happens. The jotting just helps.
My mind continues to reel. The minnows are still swimming, maybe just at a more lackadaisical speed.
So then I write some more… It’s a cycle of exploration, discovery, and mulling over and over and over again.
The earth continues to rotate on its axis and trace its path around the sun. Side note: I never imagined that I would come to a greater understanding of this (and other) scientific reality. Teaching kindergarten/first grade science this month has done me some good.
So, yes…the world continues to spin…in every sense. It continues to spin on the broader spectrum (scientifically). It also continues to spin for you and I. On an individual level, everything is still happening. And so I continue to write.
“Lisztomania.”
Is this just my late-night, deliriousness? If I’m honest, this is probably so.
Now to my main point…
Sometimes when I write a blog post, I feel narcissistic. I guess you could say that I feel that way at this precise moment and even the moment that I began writing.
“I feel…”
“I think…”
“My life…”
“My mind…”
It’s that whole “I’m broadcasting my thoughts to the world hoping that it cares” disposition that I am trying to avoid. While I attempt to avoid this very notion, I fear that I’ve fallen into this exact trap that I try with all of my might to steer clear from.
Why then do I publicly write at all?
Let me trace it back to the journal.
To an extent, I’ve already explained this. I maintain a journal to keep myself sane. It’s my great escape. It’s a coping mechanism, if you will and I rather adore it. It’s where I talk to my Father, keep track of indomitable quotes from the books I read, and log about my most grand weekend caving adventure. I sketch pitiful little flowers along the margins and attach travel brochures and coffee shop receipts with scotch tape. I adore every aspect of this chronicling. Why do I journal? For me, it’s an account of my journey in every sense…the struggle, the highlights, the mundane, the adventure, and the drawing closer to Him. Again, it’s my escape…where I feel at home. For me, reflection and meditation give way to a greater appreciation for my world and daily wandering.
Now for the blog…
On this blog site, my intention is to tell the stories of my journey from around the world whilst sharing the Love of the Father. I want to inspire with the possibility of miracles and hope. But my trip is just about over. Have I accomplished my intent? I think in some sense, I have. In a different sense, I think it has all been a bit egotistical. Many times that I posted, I wrote about myself…my feelings. Is that okay? I’m sure it’s all right of course, but I sometimes wish that I had presented my readers a more outward view of circumstances. If I could rewind the clocks and turn back the pages of the calendar, I would have “told stories” as I originally intended versus sharing my multitude of feelings and ramblings.
Honestly, I can argue it either way…blogging is good for me and blogging is not so great. I grapple. I don’t want “publicly writing” to increase this obscure inferior/superior complex, this humility/pride thing. This should be/shouldn’t be. This “perfection” perception. I wonder if this makes sense, for in my mind it is pretty complex. Bluntly stated, why should anyone ever want to read what “I,” Marissa Dale have to say about the world? And why do my reflections of my experiences matter?
I can only conclude that I am fond of writing. I should add that I am very fond of it. With that being said, there isn’t much else I would rather do. I like to hike, climb things, play soccer, run (when I’m in shape), read, and stay engrained in current events and politics. But as far as doing something with my life is concerned, I can’t envision anything more than writing. I want to fight for things, of course. I want to do what I can to advocate for people to escape their entrapment…I’ve wanted to do this for a long time. That desire and passion hasn’t ceased a bit. It even increases by the day. Even still, I know that I need to write.
Don't mind the awful Moldovan wardrobe.
And as narcissistic as this makes me feel, I know that I need to write openly…not just on the processed trees for my own recollection. I may not be Markus Zusak, Henry David Thoreau, or the Psalmist, but I need to carry on with this passion He’s given.
Pause.
A month has passed. I haven't really been so sure how to end this. I read the above to my sister a few nights ago and she liked it…all but the ending. I can't say I like the ending either. There still hasn't seemed to be enough closure or reason for me to write publicly other than the fact that I think I should.
I am suddenly reminded of a few quotes that I jotted down while reading excerpts from Shauna Niequist while in Malaysia.
In her second book entitled, Bittersweet, Shauna says…
1. "There are two myths that we tend to believe about our stories: the first is that they're about us, and the second is that because they're about us, they don't matter."
My story is not about me. Your story is not about you.
My story somehow matters. Your story somehow matters.
Hmmm…
How about this one?
2. "If you are a person of faith, it is your responsibility to tell God's story in every form, every medium, every moment."
I have a responsibility. You do too.
And finally…
3. "We dilute the beauty of the gospel story when we divorce it from our lives, our worlds, the words and images that God is writing right now on our souls."
We must be so connected to the Father that His great story of rescue and light is flowing in and through us.
These quotations are reason enough for me to write for all the world to see. They are reason enough for now and should be for always. And so, as this season of traveling the earth comes to a close, so does this blog. You can stay tuned here…
http://catchingaugust.wordpress.com/
Thanks for reading, friends! May you do what you love, all for Him.
