I’ve recently come upon a song from Audrey Assad’s beautiful album, The House You’re Building, called “Restless”. The chorus/bridge goes:
Still my heart, hold me close
let me hear a still small voice
let it grow, let it rise
into a shout, into a cry
and I am restless, I’m restless
til I rest in You
let me rest in You
I’m restless, I’m so restless
til I rest in You
til I rest in You, O God
let me rest in You
I love her voice, but I love these lyrics more because that’s what my heart has been crying out recently. For the past few weeks I’ve been thinking about this whole “what next?” of my life. I graduated from high school and knew next college was the next step. After college, I knew the World Race was the next step. After the World Race, college loans needed to be paid and God provided me with a job before I even got back to Dallas. But now, I have no idea…I feel like I’m wandering through life, directionless. Restless.
I’m one of those people that could be content being a college student forever. There are so many things out there that I’m interested in learning about or attempting such as: mediation, family law, non-profit work, mentoring, long-term missions overseas, kids or women’s ministry, social work, counseling, internships with International Justice Mission, Teach for America…just to name a few. The list changes often as well. It’s like I can’t quite put a finger on it. I’m still trying to figure myself out, but in the meantime bills need to be paid and some choices don’t really become choices anymore. Do I want to live in small town West Texas? What about my grand ideas of working in the inner-cities? I said I’d never go to grad school because I don’t want to think about owing more $, but what if…? What about going back to Malawi or Romania or the Philippines? Will I get to see Ian again? Am I gonna get married and adopt kids? Where does that fit in my lifeline? God, what can I, me specifically, do to bring Kingdom where I am now? There’s no way that all of this learning and experiencing ends at myself. How do I use what I’ve got to give to others? So many things I almost want to cry because I don’t see how I’ll have all the time to do it? Is my debt gonna dictate the rest of my life? I’m 27 now, shouldn’t I have some or most of this figured out by now?
(photo taken from: www.dukembanetimpact.org/
career.php)
career.php)
Thankfully through prayer and seeking out wisdom from squadmates, I’m remembering where fear comes from…that it’s certainly not from God. I’m remembering that it’s okay to move on, to dream big, it’s good to start fresh as often as I need to. It means so much to me that I have my squadmates to bounce all this off of. They get me, I get them. I’m not alone in this confusion. =P I’m definitely not alone.
Maybe I wasn’t born to live the “traditional” lifestyle, the American dream? Is that so wrong?! O God, I’m restless…but my rest is found in You…not in things to do, Surely the next season will come in its due time. For now, it really feels GREAT to return to You and to have the community of believers I have now to process this with. You truly know what it takes to reach my heart. Yes, at the end of all things, it’s still just me and You.
Jesus+nothing=everything 🙂
-Issa
