been feeling really numb towards our ministries, lots of boredom and
downtime during our days at the coffee shop. I feel like I’ve been
doing ministry out of obligation rather than out of love. Finally
tonight as our team was praying before going out to the bars, I
couldn’t take it anymore. We were asked to begin by being silent and
just listening to God. The whole time I was talking to God and making
wishes and demands of how I wanted things to be. Then all of a sudden
it hit me….I’ve been doing all of the talking and none of the
listening.
me. My heart had become so closed and cold towards God, but I didn’t
want to admit it. For several months now, I’ve had no desire to
read the Bible. I’ve read it so many times that I knew what to expect. Instead of living bread, it became a book of good advice, lots of rules for living like a good Christian person. My heart had grown cold towards it because I stopped searching for God in it.
once bothered to ask His opinion about what I should do. I was tired
of being told what to do and so I went to the extreme of wanting
complete independence…from my team, from our ministry commitments, from rules, etc.. And so now, when I’m completely confused and
feeling incredibly lonely…I saw my problem. I had turned my back on
my Father, I ignored His voice and then blamed Him for all my crap. Ouch!
So
tonight was my breaking point…my melting if you will. I ended up
lying in a corner of this space in the house called “the cave”. I couldn’t do anything else but curl up into a ball and sob. Leigh ended up staying back with me and praying over me. For
the first time in a long time, I really talked to God and apologized
for my cold heart towards Him. Right now I’m asking God to start over
with me. I feel like I need to go back to the basics with Him. I need
Him to tell me who He is. I need to be able to read the Bible and not
know what’s going to happen. I’ve asked God to tell me who I am as
well. I feel unworthy and helpless when it comes to reaching out to
the prostitutes because I don’t even know His love for me anymore. How do I tell these men and women that Jesus loves them so much, when I’m struggling to believe it for myself??
pray with me through this. Please ask God to reveal Himself to
me all over again.
my crying huddle in the cave…what if the women in the red light
district are asking the same questions? What if deep down inside, they
feel the same way? What if what I’m walking through is exactly what I
need to go through to have a better witness to them? I really don’t like to mingle, make small talk and chit chat. I hate the idea of going out to the
bars and trying to put on a smile and make nice…but deep down I
really do have compassion for them. I want the kind of boldness to ask
them the hard questions and share with them that even though I’ve been saved…I
still walk through tough stuff with God. Instead of being
judgmental…what if I’m more like these women than I realized??
just about me? What if these very men and women that I’m reaching out
to…are just as confused about love and their identity and in need of
their Creator to reveal Himself to them as well? What if they are
crying these same tears when they go home after long nights of abuse
and emptiness?
Deep
down somewhere, I know God is good and has never left my side. Please
pray with me that my eyes and my heart will see Him like never before.
