There’s really something off when I come to debrief with the rest of the squad, and rather than first seeking time with God and giving him words of thanks and praise, I jump up for any kind of distraction or grasp for comfort. This debrief in Nelspruit was a huge wake up call to myself and many others on the squad. Life on this race got incredibly hard the past few weeks in Mozambique. I suppose coming from a cush existence in the States to a harsher reality in Africa that is putting it lightly. But since when did I become arrogant to actually tell God that I deserved comfort for putting in my time in the hard places?! The truth of the matter is, I don’t really know how to do intimacy. I lost perspective somewhere along the way and I got caught up in “doing” for God rather than “being” with God. As a squadmate put it, I can “vomit scriptures”, but that’s not anything close to what intimacy really looks like.
When I think about Amanda and how through high school we became best friends, I remember sleeping over at her house practically every week. If I wasn’t at my own house, I was at her place. Amanda and I grew through hard stuff because we stuck by each other through everything. We learned each other’s habits (good and bad), we had raw conversations, we didn’t or couldn’t avoid conflict, we asked lots of questions, we sat in silence together, we took silly quizzes from the magazines together, we hung out with mutual friends, we studied the Bible together, we sang in worship together…lots of stuff! If something awful happened to her…I’d drop everything to be by her side. If someone said something to defile her character, I would defend her because I knew the truth about her. I didn’t learn this kind of intimacy by reading a book about her. I was with her and spending time with her, face-to-face, heart-to-heart. We were practically inseparable…as if we existed as one person. (PS Amanda, Uno!!)
But who in my life is more important than Amanda, or even my family…how about the very One who created me and knew everything about me before I was conceived in my mother’s womb? I was given revelation about the stark reality that I know a lot about God by reading devotionals and being religious about a lot of spiritual practices, but my desire to be intimate with God is at a -2 on a scale of 1 to 10. That’s not a pretty picture is it? Not at all like I thought I would feel on a mission trip.
But there’s hope yet! Our squad coaches rebuked me in love and truth about the condition of my heart. Tom ushered me into a time of prayer and I was reminded of just WHO God is. When the Spirit reminded me of this very real God that unconditionally loves me and pours new mercies on me every morning, I couldn’t help but cry in sorrowful repentance. Not only did I admit my awful state, but every tear was dried by my Father’s hands. I shared a moment with God in which I knew HE IS PURSUING ME! Even when I wasn’t pursuing the lover of my soul, He never stops WANTING to be with me. That’s just a love I can’t wrap my mind around. Can you?!
I see now how different life can be when I pull away from my Abba Father. But when I see how wrong and hurt and lonely I really am, there is an overhwhelming comfort to know I can come to Him and cuddle into His lap and cry on His shoulders anytime.
There isn’t a formula I can learn to love or be loved by Him.
The unfailing love of God is THE most bizarre concept in the world.
I’m not here to even begin to give you advice about how to be intimate with God. But hear me when I say that this kind of intimacy I’m just learning about myself… is nothing shy of amazing, miraculous, overwhelming, and perfectly satisfying in every degree. Intimacy with God is a lifeline. BE with God and LISTEN and WAIT as the Holy Spirit intercedes on your behalf. He will mediate between you and God and will bridge that gap of lifeless existence. Intimacy with God is absolutely possible. He pursues today, right now. I plead for this lifeline…get off the computer and BE with God. He’s worth it all.
(pics found on Flickr)
