If I’m truly honest with myself…..it’s hard for me to be the true me at times. It’s hard for me to truly let my walls down and not be concerned that I’m going to be rejected. Not good enough. Not worth the time of day. Don’t get me wrong I’ll share a lot with you, but the vulnerability of getting down to the true things of my heart is limited to far and few.
I’d much rather be of help to others and encourage them than open up and let them hear the deepest fears, lies and hurts of my heart. I don’t know how to express my feelings and my thoughts at times, and I think I don’t know because I myself don’t even want to go there. I don’t want to know and bring it all back up. I’d rather hold it in and cry about it on my own and get over it…
True vulnerability–when walls come down, lies are smashed and we can be clothed by the Lord with truth. Oh, the freedom that it brings. I’ve felt it. I’ve experienced it.
I remember that night so clearly. I’m pretty sure it was my first week at Liberty. Coming home from Campus Church with one of my new roommates. Sitting at my hard wooden desk. Hannah, the most gentle-spirited and kind-hearted new friend of mine, asked me when I surrendered my life to the Lord. I remember telling her everything….. from the very beginning of my early rejection days, my relationships, my rebel days, the lies, the hurt and then the redemption. I remember crying like I never cried in front of anyone else before, it still hurt. She told me I was a pretty crier, which is still hard for me to believe. She didn’t reject me. She didn’t say words just to make me feel good. But she spoke truth and she shared her story with me. Vulnerability breeds vulnerability. I’ll never forget that sweet moment. That friendship is still to this day one that I can truly be vulnerable and one that I will always cherish.
That season was a new one that I still look back and am truly grateful for. With the people, and the memories I have. My new fond love of Jesus and the way He showed me who I truly was in Him. My identity. The quirks and the craziness of my heart and personality. My passions.
But I can’t sit here and tell you that I didn’t fall back into those lies again after that exciting season. That I wasn’t bound by the enslavement of people pleasing and sacrificed myself in ways that once again brought back those walls. Because I was. I wouldn’t say it, but I felt like I lost part of myself. The true me. I suppressed my quirks, what I loved to do by myself, my passions– because I let them be tamed and flamed down by people pleasing.
It was my fault. I wouldn’t blame anyone else for it.
It was much easier in my mind to keep peace and sacrifice whatever it was. I had to do more to earn my worth, I thought. Even withhold who I was and my personality because of it. I wouldn’t say it, but I was depressed. I didn’t know myself anymore. I felt so fake, and so phony at times and I hated who I became. But what hurts worse is that I withheld the God honoring truth that I’m sure needed to be told. I withheld growth from not only myself, but from others. Because of my fear and insecurity. Because I allowed the fear and insecurities of others to not be laid at the feet of Jesus. Because I was so afraid of being rejected it cost me, and more importantly it cost others.
We allow our past and our struggles to enslave us when we fuel our heart with the very thing that ignites our sin.
What I’ve come to realize from this all is that I LOVE to encourage people, I LOVE to serve people. It’s always been something I’ve loved. And that’s where Satan knows to attack. Satan is the deceiver, the one of distortion. And more than anything he loves to see the redeemed, take what the Lord has given them and use it to breed sin and enslavement. So yes, my heart needs to be on guard for that fuel that ignites sin– but I know that the Lord has also gifted me for GOOD in those very things.
Some people will only truly be vulnerable with you, if you first show them vulnerability.
Vulnerability is crucial. To allow people to get to know you for who you are. To see those passions that lights you up. To see your little quirks and to get to love the person that God has created you to be. But with that, the truth is: not everyone is going to love you, or want to be your friend or admire those little things…. And that’s okay. Because those that do will not only respect you living out who you are, but it will inspire and motivate them to do the same with who they are.
I’ve been hurt in the past, and I’m sure they’ll be a fair share of hurt in the future to come. But that doesn’t mean that being vulnerable isn’t worth it. Because darling, it is. It won’t always be peaches and cream, and it won’t always be pretty. But when done in a way that is of the Lord– it will uproot lies, and it will establish you on solid ground. And when we have our identity in Christ, we can be vulnerable knowing that our acceptance comes from Him. That’s the acceptance that truly matters.
This journey on The World Race, will be with people I have never met in person before (until training camp, that is). Those who don’t know my past yet, nor know much about my story. They will see all sides of me, some beautiful and probably some pretty ugly. But I am thrilled and ecstatic to get to know them with vulnerability. To know their stories, and to share mine. To be vulnerable and to choose to live in the freedom I have in Christ and my identity in Him. To rediscover and to newly discover those little things that the Lord has fashioned me, and also them with. To appreciate it. Vulnerability will be crucial in growing with this new family of mine. Vulnerability will be crucial in sharing this journey with you.
