I remember this time last year, I was pre-packing my bag to make sure I knew how to fit everything I would need for an entire year into a 65L bag. My nerves were firing like bullets, and I was so filled with anticipation for the year to come. Excitement, anticipation, and expectancy were all emotions that I felt.
and then it flew by like the blink of an eye… it was the most WONDERFUL year of my life..
Now here I am sitting back at home with a blanket wrapped around my shoulders, and puppy slippers on my feet trying to think about the best way to sum up what my transition home has looked like. It’s really really hard, and I’ve been sitting on it for an entire month.
Coming home, I will tell you, I thought that I was going to “have it all together now”. I thought for sure, that I would have everything way more under control, that I would be this completely different person, who would no longer have to deal with any of the same things that I dealt with before the race, emotionally, spiritually, or physically. WRONG! Though coming home, I had several people tell me that I was different, that I was wiser, and more solid in who I was. I realized about a week in, that I wasn’t letting myself “be okay, with not being okay.” I was starting to suck my feelings down, and only letting people see the strength inside of me, and denying the feelings of fear, loneliness, and regret trying to creep in, when faced with old places, and people from my past, or triggers that scrape on a wound. When you have overcome something, I realize now, how easy it is to hold on to that like it will never be something that you have to deal with again. When, in reality, that’s not quite how it works.
They told us at our last debrief before coming home that we would have mental breakdowns, and be faced with feelings of frustration at American culture, or the feelings of missing squattie potties, and community. They even tried to tell us that we would be faced with our struggles back home, and to be prepared to continue in to month 12 with just as much passion as we had on the race. Well, I am telling you, it was HARD. My community was stripped from me, I was placed back in to an environment that had been toxic to me before, surrounded by places, and people that reminded me of the life that I had left in order to be completely inundated with God for an entire year. I left the comforts I had known, and got thrown into an “uncomfortable place” traveling the world with 40 other people that I didn’t know, and lived in poverty as a minimalist getting to experience and live life the way that many others around the world get to. But yet here I am.. at home, realizing that actually, THIS is the really uncomfortable part. This is my NEW journey. This is when the rubber meets the road. This is where I have the opportunity, and have made the choice, (because really that’s what it is) to continue living my life with the wisdom that was given to me this year. I get to choose to solidify the things that God did in my heart this year, by going through this period of discomfort, outside of the bubble of like minded people, travel, adventure, and constant encouragment, and letting it refine me.
To those of you who are reading this, and are thinking of doing the race, already have, or just are curious to know what I am experiencing. Coming home after being on this journey the last year has been hard. It’s testing me, and seriously, there have been days when I have questioned “did that really happen”? Because I feel the pull to slip back into my old ways, and the American mundanity that enslaves so many. Yet, I will tell you what, after I started realizing this, and got hit in the face a couple times through some mistakes like sucking down what I am really feeling, instead of expressing it out, and dealing with it.. bad news! Or, letting myself become a chameleon again in certain situations in order to “not be a tight ass”, because people pleasing started to creep in. There have been times that I have caught myself starting to complain, or be negative, or speak poorly about myself. All of these things, are things that I have been set FREE from. But my mind, and the enemy have tried to put it in my spirit that all of the freedom that I got from this year has disappeared. Well, that is a lie. Flat out.
Now is simply the time that I am learning, stumbling, and figuring out through my choices every single day to continue seeking God just like I was out on the field. Now is the time to be humble and to realize that “hey, you’re still human, and the World Race isn’t some magic pill that you take, and you get to come back to the states a perfect human.” Biggest. Lie. EVER.
I want to encourage any of you who are reading this, that transition is always going to be rough. Especially when you are losing something, and have to grieve that loss (my squadmates, and our experiences this year). With that though, comes a new adventure, and the chance to shift your perspective, and solidify the lessons learned for the future. My adventure with the World Race has ended, but this year is going to be a year of continued growth, fun memories, and LIFE. The race was simply the catalyst to get the ball rolling for the paradigm shift that took place in my life.
Things at home have gotten better because I realized this. I decided to work THROUGH what I was feeling instead of just getting over it, or pretending that I wasn’t feeling what I was feeling. (Thank you Mswandele from Swaziland). My mom and I have made huge steps to mend our relationship, because we decided that we were going to be open with each other. Though my transition hasn’t been perfect, I have decided to “keep it real” with myself, and others, and to be okay with exactly where I am at and love myself for all of the hiccups and mess-ups along the way. God has truly paved the way for me coming home, and has remained faithful and present in my life, and for that I am honestly so thankful. Change is hard, but it can be really really beautiful and can leave you even stronger than you would have ever expected if you look at it the right way.
What are my plans now? Well, I am going back to school, starting with a mentorship program for youth, and am going to be working. Most importantly though, I am going to continue to let God work in and through me in my life.
