Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. – Hebrews 12:1-2
There is a reason that it says to run the race with perseverance. The race is difficult and it’s messy. If it weren’t, you wouldn’t need perseverance to finish it.
It is easy to look through the social media lense and see our race as 11 months where our lives consist of one adventure after another. You see all the videos of bungee jumping and elephant riding and bug eating that we are getting experience on the race, but I want to share with you about the other side of the race, the part that Instagram photos can’t capture.
I am headed into month 6 and am almost halfway through the race. Not for a single second have I regretted being obedient to God’s calling for me to “go” however it hasn’t always been an easy decision to make. It was mid December and I was feeling the weight of my calling to go on the race. God was asking me to face some difficult unknowns and I didn’t think I was ready for them. I cried as my dad held me in his arms. I told him “Daddy, I don’t wanna go. This isn’t what I want anymore, but I know I have to go. I know God is calling me to go and I need to do it” for the first time in my life I chose not to be crippled by my fear and it was one of the hardest decisions I have ever made.
Six months later here I am about to leave Thailand and place my feet on the soil of my 9th country this year and move into my sixth home. And yes I did go bungee jumping, I ate a bug, I went on a safari, I walked into a Buddhist temple, and I marveled at the vast creations of God. I am sure if you are my friend on Facebook or have followed my blog, you have seen the pictures and videos. All those things have been incredible but what all those posts don’t show are the sleepless nights because the heat is so intense that you sweat until you have a heat rash. They don’t show all the bugs that crawl on you and your stuff constantly and all the mosquito bites that cover your body. They don’t show the upset stomachs and exhaustion from a constantly changing schedule and diet. They don’t show the moments that you have to press into God because he is the only one with the answers to questions that challenge everything you thought you knew. They don’t show the days that you want nothing more than to be home, sleep in your bed, and eat a home cooked meal from your mom.
One of the hardest parts of being on the race is leaving your life behind. It is a scary thing to leave every relationship, every person behind. On one side I would hope that they would miss me but then I feel selfish wishing that on them. I watch as their lives go on. They go to school, work, church. Things that I would normally do with them. I watch them celebrate their birthdays and various other holidays and I wish I could celebrate with them. I watch them in sadness and mourning with no ability to comfort them or cheer them up. And some days I just miss talking to them and for many of them I have no choice but to sit and watch as we lose touch.
In the grand scheme of life, a year is not that long, but some days it feels like a lifetime. It is terrifying knowing that I won’t be the same person when I get home, and neither will anyone I knew before the race. We will have all lived a year of our lives. Will we still have a relationship after changing so much and not talking to each other for months at a time? Do they think of me as often as I think of them? Handing those relationships over to God and trusting in his goodness through the unknowns is so hard.
I have always longed for adventure, and still do. I am loving my time here on the race, but in those sleepless nights and on those difficult days I find myself longing for the mundane. For the normalcy and rhythm of everyday life back home. It isn’t all the time, but when I am awake and alone in the middle of the night I find myself wondering how life goes on after the race. How, after seeing and experiencing so much, do I drop back into a place that has experienced a whole year of change separate from me? I wouldn’t trade everything I have learned and experienced this year for anything. But sometimes, I just have to say it’s a hard day and I am going to choose to run the race with perseverance.
