Training camp was definitely one of the most challenging 10 days of my life. I was pushed to the limits physically, spiritually, emotionally, and then I was pushed further. It was cold. I was tired and sick. I was wrecked emotionally and learned how to be vulnerable and open so that I could be brought into a deeper intimacy in my relationships with other people and with God. I learned how to listen to the Holy Spirit. But of all the things I learned at training camp, the one that stands out most in my mind was the lesson God taught me in failing.
Many of you know that there was a physical fitness test that we had to pass at training camp. The test consisted of a two mile hike with our packs in 35 minutes. They announced this requirement several months before training camp. Knowing that meeting this would be a challenge I began training for the hike. I filled my pack with textbooks until it weighed about 35 pounds and began walking in the park near my house.
When I arrived at training camp, having trained for several months before, I was confident in my ability to pass the test.
Throughout the first couple days, I just heard the Holy Spirit saying again and again, “You are CHOSEN.” God kept affirming that He had chosen me to be there, that He had a purpose for me. I was not sick and sleeping in a tent, in the cold, waking up before the sun, and being pushed to my limits, by accident. God had purposed for me to be there.
On the day of our fitness test we came together and stretched as a squad then put on our packs and hit the road. My pack felt heavy on my back and I quickly found myself falling behind. It wasn’t long before I found myself being passed by the second and third waves of my squad-mates who had set out to accomplish the same goal. I quickly realized that I was not going to make it to the end in 35 minutes.
At that point my pack grew heavier as did my heart. I felt myself becoming overwhelmed with discouragement. I started thinking about how easy it would be to just quit…
“What if I just sat down on the side of the road and took my pack off?”
I crossed the finish line at 40 minutes. That meant that I needed to shave off 5 minutes, a challenge that, in that moment seemed impossible.
The next 24 hours were the most difficult part of training camp for me. I felt like there was a war raging inside of me. My longing for the comforts of home drowned out the still small voice that I had found so reassuring over the last few days. I thought about how nice it would be to sleep in my bed, how nice it would be to take a hot shower. I heard the echoes of doubt so loud that nothing would drown them out. What would people think if I just came home? Would I feel ashamed of myself for quitting? It would be so easy. I just call my parents and tell them that I changed my mind, it’s not what I want anymore. I could just tell people that I wasn’t cut out for the challenge of the world race…
The thoughts penetrated my spirit and the voice of God seemed to fall silent. I found myself questioning if it was truly God that I had heard saying that I was chosen, or if it was just me wanting to feel like I belong.
At session that night we talked about forgiveness, and while the session was good, what God had for me had little to do with forgiveness and a lot to do with finding a determination to persevere. As I looked around the room at the family God had created in my squad, I felt a strength and a fire rise up within me that screamed “I will do this. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. God brought me here and He is in control.”
The next day we had the opportunity to retake our fitness test. One of my squad-mates came with me and redid the two miles to walk alongside me. She encouraged me and cheered me on and reminded me that I am not alone in this journey. Another girl from my squad was also taking the fitness test and as we rounded the last curve we began to run and we ran across the finish line together at 33 minutes, a whole 8 minutes faster than the day before. When I was reunited with my squad after the test, we all celebrated together.
God allowed me to fail so that I could learn what it meant to succeed in Him. Had I passed the fitness test the first time it would have been far too easy to take credit for my success, to boast in how my training had led to me passing the test. But in my failure, I learned an important lesson about persevering, even when all I want to do is quit. I was reminded that I can do nothing in my own strength, no amount of training or preparation is enough if I am not moving in the strength of God. And I was reminded that I don’t have to do this life journey alone. When I walked by myself I failed, but when I walked with my sister I was encouraged and empowered. When I passed my fitness test, I was more certain than ever that God had chosen me for this journey. He has set me on this path, and in Him I will find my strength.
***Note to future racers***
There will be many moments on this journey where you will want to quit, where you will want to go home. I am not going to spoil training camp for you, and I highly recommend that you fight the temptation to go read blogs about what happens there. It is challenging and they push you as far as they can spiritually, emotionally, physically, and there will be times when quitting sounds sooooooo good, but I assure you, if in those moments you are honest with your squad about what you are feeling, and you are honest with God, you will find the strength to stick it out and it will be the most rewarding experience of your life. I am so glad that I did not quit, and you will be too. We are heading into a tough year filled with challenges and adventures that we cannot imagine right now and you will feel so overwhelmed at times, but none of us signed up for this wanting things to stay as they are. We signed up because we wanted to be changed and to make change. You are stronger than you know and God is stronger than anything you come up against, rest in Him!
