I love Christmas gift shopping. If you are anything like me, you put hours into figuring out what to get for each person, trying to pick the perfect gift that they will love. It’s my favorite part of the holiday season.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you got someone a gift that you think they are going to love. You hand it to them all wrapped up in shiny paper with ribbons tied all around it. Their eyes light up as they imagine all the things that the box could contain. They begin to tear the paper and you can’t wait to see their reaction. As the lid of the box lifts, you see all the light drain from their eyes and the excitement from their face. Then they smile at you and pretend to love what you gave them, but you both know that they are planning to return it and get something else as soon as you leave.
For as long as I can remember this very situation has been my biggest fear, only instead of a Christmas gift, the thing I was giving was love. I have been so afraid that people would reject me, would reject what I have to offer, or would simply not love me in return and choose not to have a relationship with me. I viewed loving them as a gift that I was giving to them and if they didn’t accept it or like it, it meant they didn’t love me. The fear of my love not being good enough and being treated like that Christmas gift, was more than I could handle… so I simply chose not to love.
Yeah I had relationships, a family, friends, and I got really good at making them think that I loved them, I got really good at pretending. And it would work for a while…. until it didn’t.
Inevitably there was bound to be a point in every relationship where I got hurt, felt rejected, felt unloved, and because I didn’t really love them I could just shut down and shut off whatever tiny piece of me cared at all about them or the relationship and move on.
The problem was that I was viewing my love as a gift that I was giving them, and when things didn’t go as I expected them to, it was a personal attack against me that left me feeling rejected and unappreciated. I would wonder what was wrong with me that makes me not good enough for them.
Today, my brother did something that was very hurtful to me. We have had a very broken relationship that God has just recently begun to restore. This afternoon, I walked away from an interaction feeling so unloved and like I was never going to be good enough for him to want to have a relationship with me. It was less about the details of the situation and more about the ways that I felt he was being inconsiderate of me. In that moment, when I was feeling like I had no worth, God used the situation to reveal to me some of the misconceptions I have about love.
I have always viewed loving others as something that I was giving and they were receiving, but this is not the case at all. Loving other people is a gift I give to God. It’s an act of gratitude for all that God has done for me, and the true receiver of the love I give to other people is God. And unlike the person receiving the Christmas present, God is overjoyed to receive our gift, He wants it more than anything, and he is never disappointed when we give this gift. Love is sacrificial, and while it is never easy, it is much easier when we recognize that we are sacrificing for God, who already sacrificed so much for us, and who never tells us that we are not enough.
This is what gives us the ability to be bold and fearless in love.
For as long as I can remember, loving others in this way has been one of my greatest struggles and my fear has been crippling at times. I am so excited to see how God will transform my life through this new understanding and the way that my relationships will blossom and grow. For the first time in my life I can honestly say…
I want to be bold!
I want to be fearless!
I want to love!
Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God,
and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God.
1 John 4:7
With love,
Maria
