I’m sitting in a cafe in Ho Chi Minh city, Vietnam asking myself where have the last eleven months gone!?
When did this become my life…
When did living in a hostel, riding around on moto-bikes, carrying around a spare roll of toilet paper, always being the minority in a room, eating on $5/day, and having more international friends than American friends become my normal!?
When did I realize that this group of 40 strangers was actually compiled of amazing men and women of God, my brothers and sisters in Christ and when did they become the family that I dread saying goodbye to and having to “do life” so far away from?!
When did I transition from missing home to realizing that I am going to miss having a new place to call home every month or even every few nights? When did I begin to LOVE sleeping in a tent? When did I begin to prefer sleeping in a room full of people over a room by myself?
When did I become a person who is able to fall asleep anywhere at anytime?!
When did I become more comfortable living out of a backpack and wearing elephant pants on a night out than having a closet full of clothes to choose from?
When did I go from craving Chikfila and Chipotle at every meal to praying about finding a restaurant with good pad-thai or steamed buns when I go home?
And on that note, when did I, formerly known as one of the world’s pickiest eaters, become the teammate most likely to try something new and actually enjoy it.
This year has been one of change, one of growth, and one of consistently being pushed outside of my comfort zone. In many ways my heart has changed. In many ways my mindset has changed. The things that I value the most have certainly changed.
I am coming home, but you have to know, I see the world and respond to things much differently now. Please drop your expectations of the girl that you said “goodbye” to back in August and be open to reconnecting with the girl who is returning in a matter of days.
Recognize that in the last 320 days I have recommitted my life to the Lord; Understood that my purpose is to be a disciple who makes disciples; been pooped on by African children; jumped off off of cliffs; I have befriended women who are trapped in human trafficking; preached sermons; hatched baby crocodiles; I have been proposed to via email; I have danced on stages; prayed for healing; I have even kissed frogs, don’t you forget!
Much has happened and these are the memories that I cannot wait to share with all of you, but know that with the creation of new memories comes the unavoidable creation of a new self.
Now, it overwhelms me to imagine sitting in a coffee shop filled with conversations being spoken in only English.
It worries me that I will come home and settle — that I will choose comfort over experience, safety over adventure, or the desires of my flesh over God’s perfect will for me.
I am sad that I will not be able to walk outside and meet new, exciting people from all around the world. It is bittersweet to think that the memories that I make in Maryland are ones that fit inside of a box and I crave a life on the outside now.
I worry that the sunrises at home will not be as exciting as marveling at a sunrise from the top of a sand dune or from a beach out over the Mediterranean. Maybe the mountains I climb will not provide me with the same sense of wonder and excitement as the ones on this half of the world.
I am anxious in knowing that I will not be content falling back into the rhythm of my lifestyles before my time abroad because now I don’t know what my life is going to look like.
It terrifies me to think about coming home and not being able to express to you all in words that will really make you understand all of the things that I have seen, and smelt, and even cried about during our time apart. I hate to think that I won’t be able to remember every person and credit them with the role that they deserve in my story.
What if it is easy for me to tell you about the days I watched the most beautiful sunsets with some of my best friends, but I have trouble finding the words to tell you about the nights I couldn’t fall asleep because there were mosquitoes buzzing around in my ears.
Or, maybe I’ll be able to tell you about all of the prayer requests I have heard and interceded for, but I will forget to tell you about every prayer that I have seen miraculously answered.
Let me tell you guys, I am thrilled to be coming home. I don’t want you to think otherwise. I am so insanely excited to see you and hug you, to show you all of my pictures and to hear all about your lives. I do not doubt the amazing times that we will have together or discredit the wonderful times of our pasts… BUT I just need you to know that coming home is scary. I have been experiencing a roller-coaster of emotions these last few days and even writing this blog has been one of the most difficult things that I have done in a while. I don’t know what to tell you. I don’t know what you want me to say. I don’t know what you expect from me as I transition back into life at home.
Just, please, be ready to extend grace.
Be ready to, both, hear and share stories.
Be ready to extend patience and love that I know abound so fully in each and every one of you.
Be ready to welcome me back into your life because I oh so badly desire to be there.
I love you all. I am praying for you all. And hope you know that I never could have survived this year without the grace of our Good Father and the support of all of you.
GET READY, I’ll be seeing you soon 🙂
