PSA:
I want to start this off with an apology for my incredible lack of blogging. I wish I could just let you all read my journal so that you could know about the incredible things that God has been teaching me. Everyday my eyes have been opened to new truths. I have grown in so many ways and seen so many things in these last four months, I think I just cannot even find words that I feel properly convey everything that I want to share with you.
I have found that every time I sit down to write a blog, which I promise is way more often than it seems, I choose a theme, write a few sentences and then usually end up backspacing until the page is completely blank again. I overthink, I fear judgment on my grammar, and I worry that no one will find anything that I have to say to be very interesting.
Today I am choosing to end that cycle, though. I will not be starting this blog over and I will be writing freely and without hesitation (to a certain extent).
One year ago today I was a 21 year old college senior looking forward to a night out to take my mind off of Fall Semester Finals and dying for Christmas break to begin according to Facebook.
Today I am in Livingstone, Zambia.
I am on month five of my eleven-month world race. I just experienced my first team change and I am now on Team Covenant which is made up of myself and the following lovely ladies: Allie Stoehr, Nicole Taylor, Jenna Pepin, Ali Sidoran, Morgan White, and our fearless team leader, Molly McDonald.
I live in a house with 12 people. There are seven Americans and five Zambians all living under the same roof. Then there are usually about three to five other Zambians who are on the Africa 4 Jesus Team that we are working with that do not live here, but are usually hanging around too. The average temperature is somewhere between 85 and 90ish degrees, but feels like 5000.
The sky here is bigger and more beautiful than the sky in Maryland, or anywhere else that I have ever been. I understand that this might not make any sense, but I guess you just have to take my word for it unless you want to visit and find out for yourself. There are mango trees EVERYWHERE and I probably eat about three in a typical day. Our house is only about a fifteen minute drive from Victoria Falls and on every other street corner they offer river cruises of the Zambezi and safari tours. We are about a half hour walk from the center of town where we have already figured out the best place to buy ice cream. And we have each already purchased our own chitenge (wrap-around skirts) so that we can fit in as much as possible, even though everyone just yells “muzungu”(the word for white) at us wherever we go.
Every morning when I wake up I have quiet time, then everyone here at Elijah Mission house eats breakfast together which is followed by worship (which I sometimes lead) and devotions (which I have also already led). The next portion of the day, until lunch, is usually spent in ministry which today consisted of door-to-door evangelism in a nearby community. Other days it has ranged from marketplace evangelism to time dedicated pouring into one another here at home. Then in the afternoons we usually head back out for more ministry, maybe this is visiting an orphanage, or serving a meal for the children and women of a nearby village, or speaking/preaching at an evening church service on the hospital grounds where the congregation is majority nursing students.
This time last year I was overwhelmingly unhappy with my life in many ways. On the outside my life seemed perfect. I was in a great relationship; I had great grades; and my “just turned 21” social life was thriving. I was everything that everyone wanted me to be, at least that’s what I was telling myself. The life of the party, the sorority girl, the honor’s student; I was the queen of balancing academics, work, a relationship, and a social life with friends. All the while I felt empty and unfulfilled inside, though. Don’t get me wrong, I loved my life. I have no regrets and I wouldn’t change any of it for the world. Except for the fact that I just wasn’t me and I just wasn’t living for God. Atleast I think there were a few months where I completely forgot who I was and how crucial it really is to have Him at the center of my life.
The real Maria that I hope you all now know, or at least have had a chance to see, cares so deeply about people, loves God, is selfless, driven, not afraid to make a fool out of herself, loves babies, adventurous, sarcastic, strong, confident and HATES frogs.
That’s just not who I was this time last year… My understanding of love became completely warped and I became more of a challenge or an added stress to those I cared about the most rather than a breath of fresh air. I struggled constantly with feeling like I was simultaneously too much or never enough for anyone to appreciate or understand. What’s worse; I was completely wrapped up in selfishly seeking everyone else’s approval that I forgot about the things and people that mattered most to me. I hurt many people along the way. In most of my relationships I was just putting on a show and at the end of the day I was exhausted trying to please everyone. So i got to a point where I began to just give up. I got to a point where I didn’t even recognize myself anymore. I was becoming depressed, lazy, whiny, pessimistic, jealous, annoying, a horrible friend, an even worse girlfriend, and not a very good “christian” at all. And that’s just not me.
Now, fast forward about a year:
Past a heart-break, a spring break, a college graduation, a training camp, a going away party, and four months on the World Race…
Today I am a worship leader. I am a teammate. I am a missionary. I know and believe that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I aim, first, to make God happy, which usually makes me happy, and I in turn would say people in general are a lot happier with me.
I am someone who is relentlessly pursuing growth in my relationship with the Lord. I know that there is ALWAYS MORE. I still make so many mistakes, but I know that there is grace and I rest assured in the promise of forgiveness. I do not waste my time trying to please everyone, but rather I find my identity and worth in Christ alone. I value my friendships so highly and do my best to make sure my loved ones know that they are just that, loved, even if there is an ocean between us. I love travelling, playing soccer, working with children, watching movies, reading my Bible, playing guitar and ukulele, climbing things I am probably not supposed to climb (like national monuments), having deep conversations, taking pictures, and so so so much more.
I have been affirmed by teammates, both old and new, that I am strong and bold. I am joyful; I am confident; I serve willingly; I am insightful; I am passionate; I am creative; I am a natural leader; I am faithful; I throw myself into ministry; I speak eloquently; and I create fun and laughter.
I have grown tremendously in humility, peace, gentleness, and diligence in just these last two months and I am excited about any new growth the Lord has in store for me to step into. I am excited to see what God has in store for me in the future.
I am truly happy.
I am finally myself again, only now I realize the fullness of my potential through the grace of Jesus Christ and there is no place or person I would rather be.
A year ago I never would have dreamed that this is what my life would look like. BUT I do know that the me from a year ago would be so proud of the person who I have become and jealous of all of the things that I get to see and do everyday.
