I’m done letting the lies that the world has told me dictate my life. I’m done letting my past experiences determine how I view myself, and I’m done letting men determine my value or worth.
This blog is actually very hard to write, but not for the reason that you think. It’s hard to write this because there are certain men in my life who never knew these things about me, but they will now. It’s important to me though to let everyone know exactly what God has done in my life.
I have spent what seems like a majority of my life viewing myself as an object. Ever since I was assaulted when I was 16, I thought that the only thing that I was good for was my body, because there obviously wasn’t anything else about me worth loving. I let the words and the things that people called me become my identity. I was ashamed when Christians, and especially Christian men would talk to me or look at me, because I was afraid that they would see me for what I really was. I let the world tear me down. I worried about my appearance all the time, because to me, that was all I had. No one cared about the inside, just how I looked on the outside.
Since I was 12 years old, all that I have wanted in the world was to get married and have children. A family of my own. I had completely and utterly convinced myself though that it was never going to happen. I never thought that I would ever find someone who would actually want to marry me. I was never the girl that guys wanted to date, or take care of. I was the girl that guys wanted to use and throw away. I was trash. I was nothing.
At least, that’s what I thought.
Now let’s go halfway around the world to the PatPong area in Bangkok, Thailand. This is a street filled with girls dancing in bars, not merely to entertain the men, but to be BOUGHT. These girls are treated as objects. It is simply a business transaction when you buy one of the girls. The feeling that overwhelms you when you walk into this area is unlike anything I’ve ever felt. You are stopped right and left by Thai men offering you a “Ping Pong Show” which is just what they call sex shows. They have actual menus that you can chose from. They even stop me and my other teammates to ask if we want one. This area is filled with tourists who just walk by these bars like it’s completely normal. This is the area that the foreign men go to buy women.
This is where you will find her. Who is she, you ask? She is every girl down there, selling her body because she doesn’t feel like she’s good for anything else. She is the girl who returns to work night after night, hating her life, but not seeing a way out. She is the girl who does it because her mother did it while she was growing up, and in fact, her mom still does at the bar across the street. She is the girl who was told that she could pay off her debt by just doing it once, but is now trapped. She is the girl who has been told her whole life that she is trash, and deep down, she believes it. She is the girl who dreamed of having a family when she was little, but has long forgotten that dream because there’s no way anyone could love her now, she’s too damaged.
Now I’m not comparing my situation to these girls’ at all. Some of them have gone through things that I could never even imagine. They have grown up in a different culture and have had a completely different life. But the belief deep down is the same. That we are objects. That we are worthless. That we are somehow “less than”. That we are damaged, or dirty. These are all lies from the world though.
As I sat in the bar tonight and heard one of the men in there talking about the women and calling them “f*****g hookers”, I couldn’t help but get angry. He knew nothing about these women. He only saw them as objects, not the human beings that they are. He didn’t know that the woman that I was talking to has 2 children. He didn’t see how her face lit up when she talked about them and showed me pictures. He had no idea the joy that she clearly felt from someone asking about her and her life. He didn’t see the pain that actually lingered behind her eyes though as she wondered “will one of these men pay for me?” All he saw was something that he could buy, not the incredibly beautiful woman that she is.
“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful. I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.”
-Psalm 139:13-16
This is the truth. Not all of the things that have been told to us by the world. Not the names that we have been called by people. God spent time creating each and every one of those woman on the street, and He calls them His beloved. That is the name that they deserve to be called. No one is too far for God’s redemption or restoration.
God takes the broken and makes them beautiful.
The amount of healing that God has done in my life within the past 2 years is absolutely incredible. Since I decided to let Him into my heart, He has not stopped the healing process. Yes, it’s hard, and I know that it’s a long process, but it’s one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever experienced. The feeling of freedom that I have from knowing that I am worth something, and that no one here on earth can define who I am or what I am, is beyond words. I am no longer bound by the chains of lies and deceit. I am fighting for myself, and God is fighting for me. He is fighting for all of His daughters, and now, I will fight for them too.
So I’m done. I’m done looking to men to find my worth. I’m done feeling like I’m “less than”, and I’m done letting the world define me. The question is, when will she?
Please take a second to check out the ministry that I’ve been working with here in Bangkok. They do really amazing work and I have truly loved my time with them! You can also check out their shop online. Everything is hand made by women who have been rescued and taken off the streets by Rahab!
http://www.rahabministriesthailand.com/
