In all honesty…I’m scared. I’m scared, and I’m sad.
The reality of everything has finally hit me, and it hit me hard.
I’m leaving EVERYTHING behind. I’m going to be living out of a backpack for a year. Sleeping on a 1/2″ thick blow up pad in a tent, and I have no idea where I’ll be in these countries. I’m going to be sweaty and gross, and go without showering for days. I’m going to see bugs and spiders that just shouldn’t exist in the same world as I do. I’m going to get frustrated by language barriers and have days when all I want is to GO HOME. I’ll see things that I wish I never had to and have my heart broken in ways I never thought possible.
I’m going to miss my nephew’s first steps, and another Christmas with my family. I’m missing the weddings of some of my best friends, and so many other things. I’M GOING TO BE GONE, FOR A YEAR.
Now don’t get me wrong, I love adventure and trying new things! I love camping and being outdoors. I mean, I’m not afraid of a challenge; I moved across the country all by myself, so this can’t be that much harder, right? Wrong. This is different. This is the unknown. Up until now, I’ve had no anxiety. People would ask me if I was scared or nervous and I would give an unwavering “No”. I wasn’t! All I felt was excitement and anticipation to leave! Don’t worry, I still feel that, just in combination with a lot of other emotions now.
I could have sat here and said how everything is perfect and I have no fear going into this. I could have said that getting all of my equipment is easy and that this whole fundraising thing is a breeze. But that’s a lie. THIS IS HARD. Every aspect of it is. Whether it’s getting my immunizations, or ordering a sleeping bag, or trying to get a hold of someone who might possibly know someone who knows someone who could maybe set up a fundraiser for me. I’m doing the best that I can, and most days I feel like it’s just not enough. But then I remember one thing.
GOD CHOSE ME.
Joshua 1:9
“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”
He chose me for this crazy difficult journey, because I CAN do this. I have the power of God within me and I shouldn’t be afraid! Yes, there absolutely is an element of the unknown that I’m going into, but that’s beautiful in it’s own way. I get to abandon all of my comforts and hold onto the one thing that has always been and will always be there- Jesus.
If Jesus can do what was asked of him by giving up His life and being crucified, I can do what he’s asking of me and travel the world for a year in His name. He died so that we all could live. I was saved to spread His truth and save the lost.
2 Timothy 1:7
“For God has not given us a spirit of timidity, but of power and love and discipline.”
I could sit here and list all of the MANY times the bible tell us not to be afraid since we have been made strong in Christ, but we would be here a while! So instead I’ll leave you with this.
I’m scared. I’m scared and I’m sad. But I CANNOT WAIT to embark on this journey.
I have the amazing privilege of traveling the world to spread the gospel of our amazing and powerful God. I get to live out of a backpack for a year, and learn exactly what “roughing it” really means. I’m going to get to see some amazing wildlife, and some of the most beautiful places on earth. I’m going to get to learn about other cultures and interact with people who will teach me something new every day. Yes, my heart will be broken by some things that I will come across, but I’ll get to DO SOMETHING about it. I get to spend a year with amazing people who are willing to put aside all fear as well, to listen to God’s calling. I get to be the hands and feet our our precious Jesus Christ. I am lucky and blessed to be able to experience everything that I’m going to. There will be hard days, but there will be so many good days, and the bottom line is, I get to serve God!!
I still find myself double checking with God that He really meant to choose me for this. I mean really, me? Maria? But He did, and I’m SO glad that he did. 🙂
Also, just a little song to sum up how I feel! 🙂
One of my all time favorite songs
