Well, it’s been 5 months since my return to the States. I’d like to say everything is PERFECT, that processing through 7 of the craziest months of my life was a piece of cake, that all with family is well, that God’s led me to a great “next step,” and that I’ve settled into a sweet spot. The truth is, though, that since my return, I’ve attempted to write an “update” blog too many times to count. Unfortunately, I have found it nearly impossible to sit still long enough, to go deep enough within myself, and to articulate all that I’ve been feeling and experiencing since returning home. As a side effect, I believe my life could easily be represented by a stack of files on a desk, with each new thing being put in a folder and placed on top of the pile, just waiting to be worked through. Curious what the last 5 months looked like?
1. Arrived in NYC with no place to stay -January 31st; friend of a friend of a friend let me stay with them (AMAZING 3 days exploring the city!); free new phone; spent time with Paula Cotov!
2. Spent 5 days in MD resting by the Chesapeake Bay (thanks to the incredible love and generosity of Phyllis Syme); became increasingly aware of my freedom (and isolation?); visited Annapolis; had a series of meltdowns – one in which I woke up at 6am and chopped off all my seriously unhealthy hair (see above), and then had to go get it fixed).
3. Spent 1 week in St. Louis to say hello and pack for Winter in WI.
4. Mom’s surgery to remove cancer; found more cancer; all cancer miraculously healed 4 days later.
5. Mom forced to find a new apartment right after surgery, in winter, with a dog; searched/found a place within 4 weeks time; moved mom in.
6. Arthritis pain exceptionally worse in cold WI weather. Limited mobility.
7. Stayed with awesome friends in WI for 2 months; still lived out of a suitcase; spent time with family and friends; hung out with my nephew.
8. Began new (and very unexpected) relationship with an incredible man of God – who also happens to be from Africa (more details to come!).
9. Family stress and inability to healthily communicate.
10. Struggled to decide to move back to MO or stay in WI.
11. Increased insecurity about body image and fitness level; turned to old emotional eating habits.
12. Moved back to St. Louis, MO in April.
13. Prayerfully decided to fly to South Africa for 2 week visit in May; stayed with my amazing WR hosts and a team from F Squad; spent time with handsome man in #8.
14. Sister Anastasia passed away my second morning in South Africa 🙁
15. Flew home a few days early for funeral; spent week in WI.
16. Returned to St. Louis; teammate Kelsie visited on way home from World Race; spent time with Annie who just moved to DC from South Africa and was visiting St. Louis (praise God for blessings at EXACTLY the right time).
17. Job searching; picking up shifts at café; cleaning at the B&B where I live (in Chuck & Magretta’s basement, where I was pre-race); struggling financially; missing man from #s 8 & 13; missing WR friends; playing cards; hanging with a few friends in the area; walking the dog; praying for a job I love and to be able to move into my own place by my original goal of September 1st; feeling distance from the Lord (which is undoubtedly my own fault), but feeling hopeful that blessings are coming!!! Can’t wait to see what God unfolds!
18. TODAY! Oh, and as of 2 days ago, I’m Blonde!
Processing is SO difficult! Where do you start, and who has the time?! Actually, I’ve had quite a bit of time, and yet, I still cant bring myself to relax long enough to fall into the Lord and work through my crap…
As a verbal processor feeling alone, I’m overcome with thoughts like, “Who can I talk to?” “Who would even understand or try to?” “I don’t want to burden anyone.” “People don’t seem all that interested.” “I don’t have it all processed in a way to neatly communicate it.” “I need more Christian friends.” “My WR teammates would get it.”
It is unbelievably painful to sit with my thoughts, let alone work through them. I run from sitting with the Lord, knowing that only in Him will I find the rest I need to accomplish such a task, and I fear that I might never recover from such a place if I ever let myself go there. There is TOO much to unpack. The last 5 months being home hold enough weight on their own, not to mention the 7 previous months of my time serving Him around the world (and really, learning SO much in the process). I think I need a retreat…in the mountains, sitting on a back porch sippin’ coffee, no phone, no internet, just me and Jesus, a bible, and a journal. Or at least to go there in my head as my happy place 😉
And so you see, my friends, THIS is why I have not updated you. Do you see how hard this blog was to get through?! Please pray for God to calm my spirit, to help me process through my life in a healthy way, and to remember the joys of sharing and community – and that God would bless me with a solid Christian community here at home – something I am desperate for! Also, for me to find joy in my present season and sit with my Father to receive His unfailing love.
If you’d like to continue to follow my journey as I begin to unpack the last few months of my life and unfold how God is presently moving (and where He is leading me next), please subscribe to my blog at:
https://faithrevitalized.wordpress.com/
Peace to all as you continue to process through your OWN journeys. Please let me know how I can be praying for you!
From my beautiful, but messy heart to yours,
Mandy
