I have a story to tell you. But first, some background info:
I’ve never been a confident person. I’ve never had a high self esteem, or ever thought I was worth anything. I was driven by fear of rejection. I questioned things I knew to be true, and was always doubting myself and others. It was a long and hard battle for me to get to the place where I was able to say with confidence, “I am fearfully and wonderfully made.”
I won the battle, but not the war.
Every single day, I have to remind myself that the God who created the universe lovingly designed me the way I am. Every day, I fight with the idea that I’ll never be good enough. Every day, I’m afraid to ask friends to do things with me because something inside says they’ll only agree out of pity, not genuine desire.
I get so angry at myself sometimes. Because I know better.
I’m not telling you this in order to fish for compliments. Trust me, I don’t need them right now. I’m telling you this so you’ll understand my story.
Sending out support letters is a daunting task. And if you take into consideration what I’ve told you already, it’s a terrifying task. I was NOT looking forward to it. As I sat down to make a list of addresses, I found myself continually questioning who went on the list. The horrible awful voice in my head was saying something like, “Who do you think you are? Why would they support you? You’re only going to offend them and things will get very awkward. No, it’s better if you crossed them off the list. Trust me. You’ll never raise the money anyway; you might as well give up now.” Like I said, I know better, but these thoughts were very discouraging. I decided to read (and remember from before) what my racemates had to say.
Their enthusiasm was contagious. Over and over again, I read how excited each one is to meet everybody. Over and over again, I’ve had to tell myself that includes me. I’ve read about the overwhelming support some of them are receiving. I’ve read about the things God is doing in their hearts already. And I realized something: the only thing standing between me and complete surrender to God…. is my pride. And I think I can finally see the difference between having godly humility and thinking myself detestable. This makes so much more sense in my head, but I realize that I need to humble myself before God in order for me to receive His blessing, and for His will to be done in my life.
So I will send these letters, and I will pray that God uses them to touch the hearts of their recipients.
If I send out 50 letters and get 60 responses, praise God. If I send out 50 letters and get 0 responses… praise God.
I believe in His power. I believe in His plan. I believe in the strength He will give me to fight each battle as it comes. I believe in His victory.
