It’s hard for me to believe that I am at the end of my fifth month on the race.
Some days it feels like I just said goodbye to my family and friends back in America.
Other days I catch myself thinking, “how am I going to do this for 6 more months?”
I’ve been missing home a lot lately; not being in the kitchen with my mom and grandmother preparing Thanksgiving dinner, knowing that my brother and grandparents will be home for Christmas this year, and not ringing in the New Year with my boyfriend have all been heavy on my heart. When I called on the Lord to comfort my homesick heart a few days ago, he opened my eyes to a profound truth.
I am unbearably homesick for my eternal home.
This month I’ve been feeling restless. It seemed like I could never get enough ‘Jesus time’ in or be filled by things that I turned to in my distress, like exercise and art. I was frustrated by the fact that I was in the nicest living conditions I’ve had for the past five months yet feeling empty on the inside. As I sat on my bed staring at everything that I had accumulated during my time in Asia, I had a mini revelation that catalyzed a deeper hungering in me.
I had become too comfortable.
I found a way to temporarily fill the void that I was feeling by things of this earth instead of filling myself with Jesus.
“Sell all that you have and distribute to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow me.” (Luke 18:22)
I spent the rest of that afternoon ‘detoxing’ myself from the things I had collected from this world. Why did I think that I needed to have 3 tanktops or 4 pairs of shorts? What good was the notebook that I was holding on to “just incase I needed it” doing? I found that you can fill yourself with tangible things, even on the race, and think that you’re happy; or you can surrender it all to Jesus and be undoubtedly filled with an inexplicable joy.
A friend asked me a few days ago if I was really happy with my current life; if it was as great as social media makes it seem. I began typing out a generic, half-true answer about how in love I am with my life in this moment. But before I knew what I was doing, I found myself erasing the message I had so carefully composed and typed out this cold, hard truth-
Sometimes I want the freedom to make a decision just for me; to be selfish and care free and not think of how my actions or desires will effect my teammates. Sometimes I just want to hop in my car and go for a drive on back country roads and sing along to the radio. I want to go to the mall with my friends and blow an entire paycheck on cute clothes that I’ll end up only wearing once or twice. I want to lay in bed and watch Netflix for an entire day. I want to go to the gym. I want to come back after a night out and sit on my kitchen floor with my friends and snack on terribly unhealthy food while talking into the wee hours of the night about boys and school and fashion and our futures. I want a hot shower and the freedom and space to dance around my room while I get ready in the morning.
You know what I want all of the time, though? The gift of life everlasting and unconditional love. The high that I get playing in the dirt with orphans or sharing the gospel with a homeless person on the street. I want to be surrounded by a strong community of believers that share the same heart and passion. I want my head to hit my pillow at night completely exhausted with a sleepy smile on my face, knowing that I did all that I could to further the kingdom that day.
Of course I miss everyone back home. But I missed spending time sitting at the feet of Jesus more. When I return home, the emptiness I’ve been feeling will certainly be filled…but only temporarily. I’ll be longing for my heavenly home until the day that I see Jesus face to face.
