I often wish that life could fit into perfectly packaged, easily explainable stories. You never know what you’re going to get from life, as Forrest Gump’s mama so accurately says: “Life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get.” But, the stories we live, the people we encounter, and the details that are unforgettable never fit into neat categories. Unlike chocolate, life doesn’t have distinct caramel flavors versus milk chocolate. You rarely even get sweet versus bitter- typically it’s a mixture of both. Life is messy, and I am learning to absolutely thrive in the mess (well, “thrive” might be overly ambitious, but I am loving it).
I have witnessed a motorbike accident that led me to help and meet a new friend that I was able to tell about Jesus, I have had an amazing and fun day driving a moped in crazy traffic without dying (only to be horribly burned by it as soon as I parked it), I have moaned every time that I hear that I will be teaching children English only to have them steal my heart when they put 10-15 mangos in my hands and tell me that they love me, and I have wanted to work, write, and dig more into learning more of who Jesus is and His love for me when so much of the time He just wants me to sit; to be with Him.
The impact we make on others is rarely coherent, sometimes not even obvious. We will never know the changes we made until we reach heaven- what your smile, your donation, your words of encouragement, or your service did for that one person. And that, in and of itself, is so beautiful- to not know. We are completely out of control. Maybe you’ve hurt people, many you’ve helped them, and maybe you’ve failed more times that you can count (I know that I have). But your impact is not compact or definable by one word from the world. Who you are isn’t either.
I am a failure. I fail all the time, and I know that I will fail until the die that I die. BUT GOD… He is bigger than my failures, He is bigger than my screw-ups, and He is working through me (and by His grace alone, will be working through me until the die that I die). In our times of weakness, God tells us that when “(we are) weak, HE is strong” (1 Corinthians 12:10). In our utter humanity, messiness and fickleness abounding, we hurt people even as we try to help them. Our biggest victims are often ourselves, and despite the love God pours over us, we still continually beat down God’s temple (1 Corinthians 3:16-17). And it is in this messiness that the Lord meets us. It is not despite our mess that God works through us; it is BECAUSE of it.
We have all fallen short. Even King David, the man after God’s own heart, fell to such a level of sin that the world would likely have deemed him “unredeemable.” Most “greats” of the Bible are the same- consider Paul (previous Christian-killer), Peter (denying his Lord and Savior 3 times as Jesus died on the cross for the very person claiming that he did not know him), Moses (who considered his frailty and lack of eloquence to be stronger than God’s power working in and through him), and more. The list goes on. We are not chosen by God to impact others once we have ourselves together. On the contrary, God uses the broken people to touch the broken people. He allowed us to break Him, as His heart was breaking, so that we could meet Him in our brokenness and become whole.
As much as I say I “love” being a mess, I hate it. I want to fix myself. I want to write coherent thoughts, resolutions, and goals that perfectly detail where I am and where I want to be. I want to appear whole to the world and I want to have it all together. But this I pray: that I will continue to fight to be the biggest fool of them all, the messiest person to ever know and fully embrace that I am an absolute mess. “If any of you thinks he is wise by the standards of this age, he should become a ‘fool’ so that he may become wise. For the wisdom of this world is foolishness in God’s sight” (1 Corinthians 3:18-19).
I pray that I never try to pull myself out of the mess (although I want to all the time), and that I let God work in me throughout it. Psalm 40: 1-3 says, “I waited patiently for the Lord; He turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord.” True intimacy comes with allowing people to know you- to know your good, bad, and ugly. It is rarely pain-free, but vulnerability in the messiness allows people to live in the mess together. It doesn’t let you drown in the mess alone. God will meet you in the muck and the mire every time- you just have to call to Him and ask Him to meet you there.
Currently, I am in an emotional mess with God, wrestling through some hard questions and feeling so alive and engaged whilst digging for hardcore beliefs (not necessarily concrete answers). I am so happy to be where I am, a place I have long avoided, and although it is hard to be amidst constant community that never lets you completely retreat into my own head, I cannot think of a place more beautiful to be right now. I love my team SO much, and I love where God is taking every single one of us. Messiness and all, without any answers, we are drowning in His unfailing love.
Quick updates:
- I am in month 7 of the World Race in Kampong Cham, Cambodia, and I will have debrief with my entire squad at the end of this month before going into our last country/month in Asia- Thailand. After Thailand, I will be going into 3 months in Central America before heading back to the states.
- What am I doing in Cambodia? I am working with Youth Development Center and teaching English to local students in the afternoons after helping with a children’s ministry in a nearby village in the mornings.
- I am a Team Leader now for Team August with 5 beautiful and wonderful friends: Sarah, Mary, Amber, Elizabeth, and Lexi. This is our 3rd month as a team, and I could not have asked, wished, or prayed for a better situation. I am growing SO much as a leader, and while I was hesitant to step into the position, I have been blown away with how much God has grown me these past 3 months.
If you want to see a summary of my month in Nepal, check out this videos my teammate Mary made: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=weUSlAT3YOE
If you want to see a short video of my time in Vietnam, check out this video that Kevin, a friend we worked with in Vietnam, made for our team: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b1NEN0YDmi4&feature=share.
ALSO, speaking of Nepal, PLEASE check out this Go Fund Me that my team set up for a church that we attended. More info about the church, what they need, and the impact your donation could have can be found on this website: https://www.gofundme.com/7va69xv8.
Last but not least, Mary Dunne, a teammate of mine, is a friend that I know I’m going to have for life. She is very dear to my heart, and her passion and drive for people, justice, God, and loving others is immense and inspirational. She has been through SO much on the World Race so far, and I can’t wait to see what else God has in store for her on this journey. She still has a little ways to go with fundraising, so if you would prayerfully consider donating to her so that she can be FULLY FUNDED, that would be amazing! Here is the link to her blog page: http://marydunne.theworldrace.org/
Prayer requests:
- For the health of my teammate, Amber, who has not been feeling well for about a month or 2
- For the complete healing of my leg (which was badly burned by a motorbike muffler)- it has gotten SO much better recently
- For Mary, my teammate, to be fully funded
- For my team to raise the full $2,000 for the church in Nepal
- For a refreshing, fun, rejuvenating, and Christ-centered month in Cambodia that brings Christ’s love to many and refreshment to our hosts
