It’s been way too long since I took the time to write. I miss it terribly. I miss my little blogging emotional outlet. I miss journaling. Most of all, I miss knowing how to put my feelings into words. I have been dying to unleash my creativity. I would give my big toe to have a little studio space with my paints & canvases spread about, with inspiration boards on the walls, good music and candles filling the room, and my sweet Annabelle lying on the floor by my feet. There are hundreds of ideas I’ve had for paintings and drawings I want to create, books I’d like to write, and a home of my own I can nest in. Most importantly I can’t wait to get my belongings out of storage and my dog back under my roof, that is after I have my own roof again. These are the things I dream about… a life where I can spend an evening in a warm bathtub surrounded by quiet, a Saturday that I can spend outdoors and return to a place that’s all my own, and one day having someone to share it all with. And then my thoughts are interrupted by the precious multi-colored faces that so often make their way into my mind.
I still don’t know how to live my life the same but differently. Everything has changed. I’ve changed. I am still struggling with re-entry, the drastic change from third-world problems to first-world problems. Each day, I search for God’s voice to remind me to trust Him, keep faith in His plans, just put one foot in front of the other, be obedient, be kind, be joyful… and most of the time I fail miserably. But I know I’m doing the best I can because each day I’m seeking God. Whether the day brings anxiety, impatience, sadness, confusion, or the rare contentment, I try to open my heart to Him and ask for His guidance. I’ve often found myself crying to Him to show me where He wants me and what He wants from me during this next season. I know everywhere He’s taken me over the past 27 years has purpose, and this season will be no different.
I find myself fighting in prayer for the many people I fell in love with this past year in countries all over the world… Praying that he provides them with the basic necessities of life, but also with so much more. Because every time I receive an email from one of them asking for help, I realize I can’t do it alone… and honestly I don’t know what to do to best serve them and also find joy in my own life.
I’ve wrestled with whether to go into full-time non-profit work, go back overseas, find a new career path doing something I love, or go back to the world of architecture where I thought I would already have a thriving career by now. If my purpose on this Earth is to glorify God, how can I best do that?
When I came home from my year overseas, now 4 ½ months ago, I truly believed God had placed it on my heart to take the 7 architecture exams needed for my license. It was the last unfinished bit of business hanging over my head. But first, I needed to get my best friend married and then have some time to rest and reflect. Then I was going to get to the overwhelming ominous studying. Next, my family was met with the unexpected tragedy of losing my stepbrother at the young age of 37. After some time with family and a week or two more of avoidance, I put my nose in the books.
With the pressure of the exams ahead, I was overcome with anxiety and doom. I couldn’t wait for it all to be over. But each day, I begged God to bless me, keep me, and help me through it all. After studying for almost a month, I took my first exam & felt great! Only after I had begun intensely studying for my second exam did I receive the disappointing results that I had not passed the exam. Now what? Continue studying & taking the exams when I may in fact not have the experience or ability to pass any of them, or take a step back and reassess? I immediately felt a burden lifted to know that I was not going to continue studying at this time, but I felt lost. I thought I was being obedient to God’s direction. I thought he was going to get me through it. And now I felt abandoned, confused, and just plain lost.
I began looking for non-profit jobs. To hell with architecture, right? I had never enjoyed it or felt at all fulfilled by it, so why waste any more time or heartache over it~ especially when there are other things out there that do bring me joy. Each day I was overwhelmed with fears, options, lack of options, and the unknown.
As I’ve searched my heart and dreams, I’ve begged God to just open a door; and now he’s opened more than one. I have been offered a position to head up a new ministry for best practices in orphan care—a cause that is heavy on my heart and a position that is perfect for me in many ways. But that would require me to be hours away from my family who is also a huge part of my heart. If I’m to have true joy and glorify God with my life, which is most important? And is there a way to have it all– a career, a life full of family, joy, and a life full of service to God?
I can’t shake the whispers from God over the past year telling me not to give up on architecture—to give it another chance and do it for his glory. But I’m terrified. I’m worried that I would be settling, living a life of unhappiness or at best complacency, sitting my radical willingness to follow Jesus on the backburner, and ultimately being disobedient to the calling God has given me to serve the nations.
I had three interviews with architecture firms in the past two days, two of which were laid in my lap. As I sat in my first interview and shared my story, the man in front of me talked about his heart for God, the fact that this architecture firm is a “Christian business”, the fact that he just returned from a mission trip himself. Maybe there is a way to have it all?
Now I wait. And pray. And ask God for discernment, direction, and blessings. In the meantime, I’m confused and wish God would tell me clearly which way to go, which option to take. I ask for my prayer warriors out there to join me in prayer. And I keep seeking God. Today. Tomorrow. And hopefully all of my days.
