i’ve struggled a lot with feeling like i haven’t been hearing the voice of God clear enough, or just enough in general, especially over the past month in Nepal. my devotion for today included this quote by Frederick William Faber: “there is hardly ever a complete silence in our soul. god is whispering to us well nigh incessantly.” i feel this is so true for this past month (and the 4 months i’ve been away)… so many times i can’t “hear” god or “see” god the way i desire, but he is still working in my heart as long as i am seeking him. he is constantly speaking truth over me, and it is changing me. although this month has been a bit of a dry season, my soul and spirit have no doubt continued to be quenched and growth has occurred. i believe that jesus still has much more to teach me, starting here in Kenya. “we can only become disciples when the holy spirit behind the biblical words writes them on our hearts and lives them through us.” ~(At His Feet Devotional 11/14/11.) i hope to give the holy spirit that opportunity in my life.
john 16:12-14 “i have much more to say to you, more than you can now bear. but when he, the spirit of truth, comes, he will guide you into all the truth. he will speak on his own; he will speak only what he hears, and he will tell you what is yet to come. he will bring glory to me by taking from what is mine and making it known to you.”
i had lost a lot of my joy and excitement over the past few weeks, and i was fighting to get it back before i left for Kenya. i didn’t want to go into the next 3 months in Africa expecting it to be too hard, too uncomfortable, or too lonely. i was already struggling with loneliness and homesickness in Nepal (where we had internet, electricity & running water + places to shop & restaurants to go to if we needed to feel “normal”). so, if those feelings were consuming me in such a “comfortable” setting, i was terrified at how exponentially worse things would be in Africa without the luxuries & without the internet to keep me somewhat connected to life back home.
after finally making it to Nairobi, Kenya i was immediately refreshed. as soon as i set foot on the soil of our hostel & saw the sweet smiling faces of the staff here, i remembered why i was here. i remembered why i had been so excited to come back to Africa. the people i met in Tanzania on my first mission trip last september forever changed my life and my heart for people. those people tugged at my heart so much that i left my comfortable life and career to find god’s plan for me. because of the authenticity and wholeness i felt in Africa last year, everything changed. i felt jesus pursuing me, and for the first time in my life i wasn’t afraid to make sacrifices to pursue him. i realized that it wasn’t too late to become the woman god had planned for me to be, and that in the process i could also find true happiness and joy in life. Africa changed me once, and i know that it’s going to continue to change me for the next 3 months. i’m thrilled for what’s in store.
we are experiencing changes and growth as a squad. a few people have decided to leave and return home this month. some people have stepped up boldly & decided to break free from chains that hold them down so they may find freedom from their personal struggles. with the uncertainty of what’s to come, fear begins to rear it’s ugly head for some, but i’m choosing to be bold during these next 3 months. like the lioness in the tall grasses of this beautiful land, i choose to be intentional, strong, and beautiful. we are walking into a season of freedom~ it was apparent from the opening session of debrief this morning.
this month, i choose to seek freedom in my body once and for all. i choose to believe that i’m beautiful and walk in confidence. i’ve always struggled with my weight & body image, always thinking i’m more loveable and desirable when i’m thinner, always worrying that i’ll never find the man i deserve unless i’m skinny. i know these are lies from the enemy, but i’m fighting tooth and nail to believe god’s truth about me. for so long, i’ve been struggling to find the balance between giving god the control over my food issues and remaining healthy & happy. it’s such an obsession with me that i don’t really know how to give god the control. to me, giving him the control means surrendering to being fat. i know for some of you healthy &/or naturally skinny people none of this really makes any sense, but many women know exactly how i feel (men too for that matter). there’s so much pressure to look a certain way in order to be accepted.
for that matter, i hate the fact that i care too much about what people think about me to dress and style myself the way i like. i took out my nose-ring because i got one too many derogative comments from people i love. after dreadlocking my hair in college (which i still wish i had the nerves to do & still think is beautiful), i poured an entire bottle of conditioner in my hair and washed them out. why? because i was too scared to come home to brewton over Christmas and face the judgement. even just this week, a hair stylist on our squad suggested cutting my hair into a really short funky style. i wish i had the guts to do it—why not? i’m young, i’m bold, i’m in Africa for three months where women have bald heads, and i’m beautiful no matter what my hair looks like. (don't worry…i only got a trim.) there are 4 women on my squad who shaved their heads this past month, not in order to prove anything but simply to do something fun and crazy while they are living a lifestyle that is totally accepting of them regardless. i envy their confidence and boldness. it’s made me think a lot about how much i care about what people think of me, how much i weigh the acceptance and validation of others, and how much i let it all rule my life and happiness.
if only we could find all the acceptance and validation we need in jesus. if only we could turn the other cheek and let insults roll off our backs without letting it speak to our hearts. if only. it may be idealistic, but this month i choose to find out for myself. i hope to seek god & his truth about me so intensely that there’s no alternative but confidence & boldness. i hope to let god speak to my heart instead of letting the lies and insults i’ve heard my entire life define me. i hope not to live in fear of what others think about my appearance, but rather in joy of what the lord believes about my heart.
of course i’m terrified of the fact that our African host will most certainly stand and watch us eat, as we are presented with plate-full after plate-full of maize, rice & potatoes (the very things i try to avoid in order to not gain weight—carbs—uggh). while i don’t want to insult their hospitality or make them think their food is not good enough for me, i know that unless i want to gain 20 lbs over the next 3 months i’m going to have to do something. it’s causing me great anxiety. i miss living alone and having the control over the groceries in my house and the portions on my plate, but i know god is taking the reigns from me. it all sounds so ridiculous as i type these words onto this screen, but this is one of my biggest struggles at the moment. i have to be vulnerable and honest if i want to find freedom from this stupid chain that’s holding me down & keeping me from the greatness the lord has for me. so, i ask you to love me through this season & join me in prayer as i seek change and freedom. if you have struggles you’d like to share and find freedom in, i would love to fight for you this month in Kenya, so please feel free to email me at [email protected] so i can join you in prayer. we are brothers and sisters in Christ. we must fight for ourselves, but we also must fight for each other. i would be honored if you would let me fight for you.
