the past few days i've been feeling a little lonely, unloved, and apart from my group… not because of anything they've done or haven't done, but because i have had the wrong expectations. this morning during worship i realized that i'm missing the physical touch, reassurance, validation, affection, and attention of "my people" back home. the lord is really drawing me closer to him and asking me to seek all of these things in him alone… this is a new & unfathomable concept to me, but i'm running after him with my whole heart & begging him to give me revelation after revelation of his love. i'm vulnerable and broken, and i'm seeking the only love that can fill the damaged places of my heart and spirit.
today, i'm holding on to a vision that one of my dear friends and mentors shared with me. i'm closing my eyes and picturing myself as a little girl crawling up into the lap of my heavenly papa. as he sits in his big comfy recliner and strokes my hair, he tells me how beautiful i am & how much he loves me & how proud he is of me. today, i seek comfort and refuge in the fact that i am beloved by my creator and worthy of all the love he has for me. i don't have to look for my worth in the words or actions of my friends, family, team mates, or men, but from the lord alone. his love will make me capable of loving myself and others in the way he intended.
on monday, i listened to this podcast by francis chan called "falling madly in love with god." it spoke leaps and bounds to my spirit. this is my heart's cry. i desperately want & need to understand the love that jesus has for me in order to grow into my fullness and be able to truly love others. i want to love every person i come in contact with as jesus loves them… i want to have his eyes for every person on this earth, whether they are good or evil, whether they treat me with love and respect or not. this is a tall order, but i know that god can continue to soften my heart and rid me of the anger, insecurities, and hurts that hold me back from loving others well.
ephesians 3:14-21
for this reason i kneel before the father, from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. i pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his spirit in your inner being, so that christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. and i pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge— that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of god.
now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in christ jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! amen.
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i fell before the lord & cried this prayer to him, for myself and the people in my life that i want this for. i am choosing to be like jacob, wrestling the lord until he blesses me, expecting the fullness he has for me. i want the capacity to [begin to] understand, accept, and live by his immeasurable love. i won't back down. i won't give up. i won't settle for less. i desperately want this for my friends, my parents, my siblings– to truly grasp the amazing love that christ has for us & to live by that love, so that every person we come in contact with can sense something different and beautiful that is only christ's love.
