i've been thinking a lot about judgment lately… not so much god's judgment, but more so the judgment of others. lately, i've had people questioning my motives, my authenticity, and my choices. i've been battling feelings of disapproval, inadequacy, and judgment. i've been feeling a little alone in a culture where looking different or thinking differently is not really embraced or encouraged by many. as i grow and change in my faith, i can't help but worry what the gossip mills are saying. i'm still working on getting to the place where i'm only concerned with my eternity and what god thinks of me, but it's so hard not to take the judgment of others to heart. i try to consider almost my every move, asking myself "what would god think about this? would he approve? is this the right thing to do?" i pray. i ask god to reveal his will to me and help me to do the next right thing. however, for those who are waiting for me to slip up and prove what a bad christian i am, you won't have to wait long. i screw up on a daily basis… whether i get road rage (it happens often), hold on to resentment, partake in gossip, or worse. we all do. i'm aiming to love all and see as god sees, but man is it ever difficult! i'm trying my best to see others with god's eyes instead of my own human & judgmental eyes. old habits die hard, and i've spent the past 26 years living for myself. i've looked others up and down, drawn my own conclusions about their life, been the instigator of gossip, and said horrible & hurtful things about people… and sometimes i still do. it's so important for me to remember that god sees all sin as sin, whether it's pride, gossip, judgment, lust, greed, or even murder. does god really judge those who murder with the same degree that he judges those who gossip? it's a sobering thought.
today, i am aiming for my life to please god and not necessarily those around me. it's a struggle because i love to have the approval and validation of others. however, i know that when i obsess about what others may think of my choices– clothes, job, people i socialize with, and places i go– i will forever be hurt, offended, and disappointed. this fickle and sometimes ruthless world we live in will never satisfy. i'm trying my best to focus my dependency on the lord and his mercy & compassion for all of his precious children, including me.
