World race peeps talk an ample amount about these beautifully hard processes that many racers, and Christ followers in general, learn about and walk through. And they are called: abandonment, brokenness and dependence (every racer annoyingly rolls their eyes). From the beginning of training camp, all throughout this journey, and even final debrief sessions, many times conversation will come back to the famous three– abandonment, brokenness, and dependence (every world racer voms in mouth).
Abandonment is the process of just that. Surrendering and abandoning everything you have–your way of living, social and emotional comforts, relationships, the future, etc. Brokenness is the process and journey of visiting hard places with the Lord and allowing him to heal you as well as show you where he was at in those situations. Brokenness is looking through the lens of the father and sitting through every emotion in every situation, no matter how painfully joyful or painfully hurtful it may be. Dependence is the process of realizing that Jesus is all you need. You may literally have nothing, and be a completely broken vessel who feels like you have nothing to offer, but you know that God. Is. Enough.
Through this whole thing I’ve been eager to finally be walking in the dependence phase. Abandonment sucks, as dying to oneself doesn’t feel great. Brokenness is ugly, as it seems to be never ending. So in my mind I thought dependence would be this easy breezy beautiful season that I could take a nice little breather and chill out for a moment or two or three. Dependence seemed like the “happily ever after” part of my story and I’ve been itching to get there. Because dependence must mean that I am completely care free with no worries in the world and everything is perfect and planned out because, “God’s got dis.”
Sounds easy right?
Wrong.
Wrong, wrong, wrong.
Ya’ll.
Dependence is beautiful, but shoot it’s hard. In my mind I had compartmentalized each ‘stage’ in it’s own separate cute box.
Abandonment– walked through that… surrendered some stuff…
Check.
Put a bow on it. Next…
Brokenness–well that was ugly, but still, put it in a cute box, decorate it, and finish it with a niiiiccce bow.
And now.
I wait for the dependence part…. So I can enjoy it, later put it in a box and tie it off with a big bow. Doonnnnee!
So…
Okay God, when comes the easy part? When comes the sweetness of dependence? The, ‘it’s all down hill from here’, part?
Ummm actually, Mallorie, you can’t just compartmentalize your life, or seasons of life into cute little boxes.
And unfortunately, dependence is the hardest part, because dependence is actually the cycle, rather the lifestyle and habit of abandonment and brokenness that cultivates dependence.
Ya’ll…..Dependence is actually the hardest part. Dependence is climbing the mountain with your hands wide open and holding onto nothing.
Shoot. that’s hard.
In Myanmar we climbed down a very steep mountainside to get to a waterfall. I’m not going to say we never fell, but man we rocked that thing. It was completely worth it. The waterfall was breathtaking, the weather was fantastic, one of my best friends was baptized. It was such an amazing day. But then we had to climb back up the mountain. Did I mention it was unbelievably steep and there were rigged bamboo poles on the side to help hoist yourself up and down the mountain? And that those poles were barely holding on and didn’t create that much support for us to hold onto. It was pretty sketch to be honest, and we were completely exhausted afterwards-as many times, we had to help pull each other up or down the steepest parts. I can’t imagine going up or down that mountain without holding onto anything. No doubt I would fall, or even make it back up to the top of the mountain.
But that’s what dependence looks like. That’s what total and complete surrendered trust looks like.
Completely impossible. Completely vulnerable. Completely empty handed, holding on to nothing, and trusting that
God. IS. ENOUGH.
And that he will be there to hoist you up. And believe me, he’s much more trustworthy than bamboo poles.
Dependence isn’t pretty. But it is the painfully beautiful fruit that is produced from raw abandonment and hard brokenness. It’s not easy, but I rejoice in every moment I get to lean and trust in God. Because in my lacking, He gets to be more of himself that he hasn’t been for me yet. He gets to be my everything.
And guess what?
He wants to be everything for you too.
