Nepal was an amazing month. The lord really spoke to me a lot in crazy ways. Some ways that I rejoiced in, and others that were kind of painful, and I have had to continue to process and surrender those feelings back to him.
As we flew into Nepal, I was immediately in awe of the Lord’s creation as we saw the Himalayan mountain range. We quickly landed in the beautiful valley of Kathmandu. The aroma of jasmine incense always filled the air. The colors are vibrant like spring, but the air was crisp like fall. I would often go to the roof and look out over the city and mountains that surrounded our hostel.
Going into Nepal I knew it was going to be all squad month. It’s where our entire squad lives and does ministry together for a month instead of being broken into our teams. Everyday we would meet together at our ministry host’s house and we would have an hour of personal intimate time with Abba. Then we would meet back together for worship as a squad. Before heading out to do ministry each day, we would put on the armor of God and be on our way. Each day, ministry looked different, which I loved. I enjoyed being able to get my hands dirty in so many different areas. We did slum ministry, hospital ministry, prayer walking, faith days–where all we took was ourselves and a bottle of water, earthquake relief work in the mountains, evangelizing, church ministry, and working a little in human trafficking.
One day, I was wallowing in self pity. When you go on the world race, there is this season where you get kind of stuck in a weird place. Doing kingdom changes you. Pursuing community changes you. You begin to become a new person. People back home wouldn’t know you. But you’ve really just started getting in the groove of community, and the people around you don’t really know you either. This is where I was at. I felt the burning away at the Lord’s refining and knew he was shaping my identity. People back home don’t understand or know me anymore, and these people I’m living with don’t realllllly know me either. So I just felt really alone.
Our squad went out for slum ministry that day.
I didn’t want to go. We had already done it one afternoon before and I was so broken then, that I didn’t know what to do, so I just kind of stood there like a log.
“God why am I here? How can I even fix this? What can I do to bring change?”
I was struggling a lot with comparison and purpose, especially being with our whole squad and seeing people operate so beautifully in the gifts and talents the Lord had given them.
**Side note–comparison and jealousy are the biggest joy stealers. God has given YOU gifts and talents specifically to be a reflection of Him that no one else can be. Know your gifts and talents and steward them well by walking in confidence of those things he has given you. Get over yourself because the world needs you and what you have.
“You’re here because I want you here. You can’t fix this and I don’t want you to. That’s my job, just go and love my people. Let me be your purpose.”
Shoot. Okay God.
When our bus arrived, I was overwhelmed by the smell of urine and feces as well as the soured smell of trash that filled the air. The slum we went to that day was by the river and there were hundreds of mounds of trash everywhere. But among the river and amongst the trash were children laughing and playing in the sand. My heart hurt. I wanted nothing more than to be their mommy. To take them home. To know them and call them by name. When we came to the riverbank where the children were playing, I joined a group of boys who were drawing designs in the sand. They would laugh and giggle at my attempts to say their names, and laugh even harder when they tried saying my name. We drew lots of butterflies, hearts, and flowers, and they would grab my hand and guide my finger in the sand until, WA-LA a beautiful moto or house was drawn. I don’t know what happened, but at one point I was dancing with a boy and they all thought it was the most hilarious thing. They would often put their thumb up to mine and say ‘sank a toe’ or something like that, which basically means ‘best of luck.’ They all rushed me over to their huge swing they would all take turns on. They insisted that I get on and they would push me. I was a little nervous, but if you know me you know how much I love swings. So I couldn’t say no. I got on and they pushed me. It was the most fun and liberating thing and I’m pretty sure I laughed the whole time!
When I got off the swing, that’s when my eyes locked with hers and she smiled. Her name is Rhoda and she is from India. We drew things in the sand together and made a little garden with some nearby weeds. We tickled and chased each other around, and played many hand games. I braided her hair and told her how beautiful she was, as I held her face in my hands.
She drew a huge heart in the sand that said “Rhoda loves Mallorie”
Oh my sweet, how I love you too. Ever so deeply. I began thinking about how much the father loves her and how she too is a reflection of who he is. I saw beauty, and not just the outward kind, but the inward kind where everyone she is with immediately feels loved. I saw the spirit of courage and of crazy fun. I saw compassion and tenderness. I saw how joy was truly her strength. And I saw how Rhoda wasn’t caught up in ‘doing’ in order to be noticed or to make a difference. She was just ‘being.’ And I think that really made Abba happy. It reminds me of the story of Martha and Mary and how Martha was so consumed with doing, while her sister Mary was at the feet of Jesus, just being. Which the Lord said was better. At his feet just being, is where we are known and we know the Father. It’s the secret place. It’s where intimacy is found.
I hugged and said goodbye to my joyful friends, giving them one more ‘sank a toe’ –still don’t know if I’m saying that right– and away our team went
Today I just needed to be a girl in the dirt in a slum in the middle of Kathmandu. Sometimes I think we (me) get so wrapped up in doing, in order to become who God has designed us to be, when all God desires of us, is to just be.
You might reread that sentence, I know it’s a little crazy, but it’s good, I promise.
Just be.
Free from comparison.
Free from having to fit a mold.
Free from having to have it all figured out.
Free from fear of failure.
Just being. Completely and utterly free.
Because you fit a (insert your name) sized puzzle piece that only you can fit, and that the world needs.
