Going into Training camp, I didn’t have many expectations as to what exactly would happen, except that I knew the Lord would show up and show out, and I would leave changed. And that is exactly what happened. Little did I know how efficient I would become in putting up and taking down my tent, and packing my backpack without having a meltdown. Or how much I thoroughly would enjoy bucket showers and eating dinner with my hands. Or how strong my thighs would become after squatting over the port-a-potty. Let’s just say I have a new appreciation for chick-fil-a and flushing toilets.
Although I am still trying to find the words to adequately express what the Lord did in my heart while at training camp, It was the moment that I dropped my pop-tart on the ground on the final day, and didn’t think twice about whether I should pick it up and eat it or not, that I realized just how much I had changed within a short 10 days. A couple weeks ago I would have turned my nose at the thought of putting something that had been on the ground near my mouth. However, without missing a beat, I reached down and grabbed my sacred maple brown sugar pop-tart and shoved it into my mouth, rushing to meet the rest of my squad to finish cleaning the camp so we could all head home.
“What in the world has happened to me?”
Training camp was hot. It made me hungry (literally and figuratively). It was humid. It was hard. But man did it bring so much healing. Healing that I thought I had already received and no longer needed. Healing that was like a refreshing cool rain after a long hot Georgia summer day. Before Training Camp, I was a frazzled mess. Piece by piece I was slowly beginning to surrender parts of my heart to the Lord. However, if I was completely honest, I would tell you that I didn’t really trust the Lord with what I had given him. I had formed misconceptions about him based off of circumstances that had happened in my life, and therefore kept him at a distance.
People often say that the World Race is like a pressure cooker and will bring things about yourself to the surface. At training camp I already began to notice things rising up in me that I knew was the Lord and I look forward to growing in deeper intimacy with him in those areas. But I also saw things that I thought was no longer a problem in my life. I’m not going to lie friends, there was a time during Training Camp where I was questioning whether the Lord really had called me to the World Race or not. I was stinky. I was dirty. I was sweaty 24/7, and I was honestly tired of crying all the time. I was ready to go home. I became overwhelmed with fear and doubt. Thoughts of unworthiness, inadequacy, and comparison were flooding my thoughts and emotions.
“How do I feel so alone in a room of 300 people?”
“I’m the quiet one, how am I going to make a difference in the world? “
“I have no skills to actually do this.”
“Do I really LOVE people?”
“How in the world am I going to do this?”
“God, what is my purpose in all of this? Where do I fit in?”
“Can I really say yes to the Father, to myself, and to these 50 other crazies?”
I wish I could say that I had a huge epiphany and the daunting dark clouds of doubt suddenly vanished, but these questions and thoughts were issues that I felt I really needed to dig in deeper with the Lord about. So that’s what we did, the Lord and I, we worked through my self-doubt and confidence issues. I would say, “I have no skills” and he would reply, “I am equipping you. Trust me.” “But I’m the quiet one, how will I make a difference? “A gentle and quiet spirit is precious to me. But I will be your voice. Be bold and courageous, my beloved. Trust me” But “How am I going to do this?” “We will do it together. I won’t leave you. I won’t fail you. Lean on me. Trust me.” And even though It is something I sometimes still struggle with, It wasn’t until Wednesday (the third to last day of TC) when those dark clouds started to dissipate. Our squad had a YES moment between the Lord, ourselves, and each other. A moment of covenant. It was during this covenant ceremony that I began to be set free of the doubt and fear that had plagued me the majority of camp. We were asked to sign a covenant of saying Yes to the Father and what his plans are. Yes to ourselves. And then one by one, yes to each other. As I read my paper, I was honestly scared to death. If I was going to go home, now would be my last chance. I looked up and noticed the circle had started forming from those who had already given their yeses. I heard my Abba’s voice, “Trust me.” It was a hard yes, but I signed my covenant, and quietly, but boldly said Yes to each of my Squad mentors and squad mates. And they all said yes back to me. Little by little, yes after yes, as I made my way around the circle, I felt the shackles of all the misconceptions and doubt I had been carrying fall to the floor. Tears rolled down my face and my heart burned with a deep love for each of my squad-mates. Slowly, the dark clouds drifted away and all that was left was the refreshing showers of freedom.
As I sit and debrief with the Lord during my quiet time, I am overwhelmed with all that he did during Training camp. I experienced brokenness that I didn’t want to deal with. Walked through pain that I had been avoiding and shoving to the side. Traded shame for freedom. Surrendered my plan for HIS plan. I learned that my worth is not in a title, but in the fact that I am a daughter of the King of Kings and he is a proud Father. I am stronger than I think. I don’t have to be the loudest person in the room to make a difference. Who I am, is a reflection of who He is. I fill a Mallorie Sized hole, that no one else can fulfill. He is proud not because of anything I have done, but just the simple fact that he is my Father and I belong to him. I don’t have to do anything to gain his love or approval.
Returning home from World Race Training camp has been a lot more difficult than I expected. I find it hard to answer questions like, “Was it fun?!” or “Are you so glad to be home?” And although I am very grateful for my wonderful church, my family, my bed, and hot shower, this introvert oddly misses the close community with her favorite 50 Kingdom bringers. Some of the best moments of Training Camp were when our squad would meet together during free time. I would sit and listen intently, and joy would rush through my heart as I heard and felt the powerful stories of those I will be adventuring with this next year. Launch is in 43 days and then together we will be the hands, feet, eyes, and love of Jesus to the Least of these. My heart can hardly contain my excitement!
Here’s to forever eating pop-tarts off the ground, and saying YES to the Father even when it’s hard.
