So there’s this guy named Seth Barnes, maybe you’ve heard of him. Anyway, he talks about these “stages of initiation” that God takes us through on the journey to becoming fully alive. Abandon. Dependence. Brokenness. Empowerment. Call. Confirmation. I have an ongoing joke that as soon as I think I’m in “empowerment,” I realize that I’m really in “brokenness,” again… I have also found myself many times throughout this year saying, Okay, so this is brokenness. I understand brokenness now. Then two weeks later I am more broken and realize that I haven’t begun to understand the word.
I thought I knew about dependence too. I wish I could tell you right now that I am feeling energized and empowered and ready to pour out in our last leg. Actually, I am tired. Not just a little tired. I am very, very tired. I’m not sure when or where or how it happened. At some point, I think between the third week in Bangkok and a few days ago, I emptied myself of everything. I poured it all out. But somewhere along the line, I also got discouraged and didn’t fill back up with the life-giving God.
As we were looking back on the month in Cambodia, I realized that I hadn’t been “pressing in” or going deep with others. I was kind of floating by, trying to bless and love others, but with little passion. Looking forward, I knew I didn’t want to go on “autopilot” for the rest of the year. This actually led to me becoming more discouraged, wanting to be at a place I just wasn’t at. I couldn’t find the natural joy that usually just bubbles up from within my spirit, and I felt lost. I felt too tired to climb may way out of the pit.
With the support and encouragement from many of my brothers and sisters on the race, I have begun to see the Light in my personal darkness. I have remembered that I want to be truth-based and not feelings-based. Huge lesson. Even if we don’t feel like God is near, He is. He is. He hasn’t gone anywhere. Even if I feel lost, I know that God is holding me in his hands. And he loves me, even (especially) in moments like these. I have cried a lot. Many tears for Bangkok. Many tears of desperation to feel the presence of God.
But last night, at C/D squad’s debrief, Telfer sang, Chad preached, and Erin prayed (powerful combination). And I had a safe place to fall apart. I heard one sentence from the Lord. Now you have to tap into my strength. And for the first time, I realized that God is in this. God is in my dark night of the soul. Immediately, I was reminded of the passage, one close to my heart (that I once discussed with a good friend by candlelight):
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Cor 12
It wasn’t until later in the evening that I faced the moment that every world racer hates (and loves). I asked for this. All this time I have been hating this place I’m in! I asked for it. Many times this year, I have prayed for God to do whatever he needs to do in me to make me into who I am created to be. I have told him to have his way and to take my life. And I sat on the floor with Erin, and I laughed. No more despair. No more darkness. Only joy and peace.
So I am still tired, and I am weak. I am weak! Isn’t that great?!? Now God gets to show himself strong! I love feeling weak and completely unable to function on my own! Because his grace is enough.
UPDATE: We fly to China in t-minus two hours. AHHH! I am excited, and amazed that eleven months have 
passed. Please pray for us while we are in China, for our safety and that we will be led by the Spirit of God. Pray that we find the balance of wisdom and boldness.
Because China is a closed country, we need to be wise about our online communication. We are going as cultural exchange students (which is true as we are always students of culture). In an effort to protect our contacts, who face persecution and/or governmental resistance for following Jesus, it is likely that we will not access this site while in-country. Sorry, folks, that means no blogs or updates for awhile. I will post all my wonderful stories and pictures when we reach Hong Kong mid-November. It is also a possibility that I will be able to send updates to one friend to post for me. I will update if/when I can. Until you hear from us again, do not worry, God has got us. Keep us in your prayers. And know that, as always, I’m yours for the Journey.
