I have been home for a month now. I was back to substitute teaching within the first few days and adjusted pretty well to my “normal” life.
Or so I thought.
It was easy for me to say goodbye to those whom I have spent the past year with because I knew I would see them all again at Project Search Light, which is where most of us have been for the past week.
I spent the month of December working and hanging out with friends. I hardly thought about the race and didn’t really talk about it. People asked me the question, “How was your trip?” and I would say something funny about squatty potties and sleeping on the floor.
Basically, here is how I knew I had a bit of a problem…
I said bye to people on the last day of PSL not really allowing myself to realize that, for some, that day could very well have been the last day I would see them on this side of eternity. (That was not said to be a downer, but reality.)
It wasn’t until I was saying goodbye to a few people at a dinner after PSL when I lost it. I was laughing at something that was said. And all of a sudden, I am sobbing. Not laughter tears or a little crying. I am talking complete, lack of control, sobbing. Then I laughed again because I didn’t quite know what else to do. And then I sobbed again. And then my nose started to bleed. I had makeup all over my face from wiping my eyes and had tissue shoved up my nose.
No one knew what to do with me. I didn’t even know what to do with myself. I had a hand on my shoulder, a hand on my knee, an ice pack being offered to me and some people avoiding eye contact out of discomfort and uncertainty.
Obviously I need to “process,” which is a world race term meaning to sort through ones thoughts and emotions while listening to what the Lord is revealing through past experiences and revelations.
If you are getting off the race, give yourself time to grieve the loss of the race as well as the loss of the individual racers you just did life with. Also, write down the things God revealed to you about yourself, Himself, your life, His will, etc. It is easy to forget these things.
If you are the parent or friend of a racer who has recently arrived home, have patience and listen.
It is hard coming home after the year we have had. This wasn’t just some “trip” we were on for a year. We spent day in and day out doing things that are hard to put into words. We didn’t travel around with some people who became friends. Those people learned what we are like at our very best and at our absolute worst. They became our brothers and sisters. Not just like “brother/sister-in-Christ” but real brothers and real sisters.
We have learned to say and do things that only our brothers and sisters understand. No one else understands why the song Hey Ya! is one of my favorites or what the term sick freak means (it is not offensive but a term of endearment).
I didn’t expect that I would have gained more than just friends after this year. I didn’t expect to have fallen in love with the idea of community and missions. I didn’t expect to misunderstand myself so much. And I didn’t expect that coming home would be so rough.
Racers, be prepared for the unexpected. Reentry is different for everyone. The AIM models that are provided will probably help you even if you don’t think you need them. Trust me, you need them.
I have more processing to do and will be using this blog as a means of doing that while transitioning into a new blog site. Thank you for continuing to love, support and encourage me.
xo
