Day 1: “This is weird. I know these people, but don’t know these people”
“Is that jittery feeling excitement or nerves?”
“what have I gotten myself into?”
“Oh, she is really nice. I could totally be her friend.”
“Can I do this?”
“Is this tent for real?”
Midnight: crying hysterically in my tent, “I can’t do this”
Day 2: “night one, no spiders… Pretty successful!”
“Why is it 1000 degrees out here? “okay… I can do this.”
“Porta Potties aren’t the WORST thing”
“God is doing this with me. I’m never alone. It’s only 11 months.”
Day 3: ” I’m actually doing this.”
“God is giving me so much strength.”
“This obviously isn’t me”
“This isn’t even about me… This is about glorifying God.”
“How can I glorify God in this?”
Day 4: “bucket showers… Let’s do this thing. Please don’t let there be a spider.”
“I’m too hot to be hungry”
“How am I this close to people I’ve only known for 3 1/2 days?!”
“It’s bible study night at home. I miss them.”
“Whoop! the porta potties smell like cinnamon. Yes!”
“Please don’t let a spider get on me.”
Day 5: “I really miss my people.”
“This is really hard today.”
“I don’t want to go. God please don’t make me do this.”
“If I tell people I am this nervous, they won’t understand…they will judge me.”
“I feel trapped”
Day 6: “God is so faithful. He loves me as a daughter. My purpose is to glorify Him.”
“In my weakness, His power is made perfect.”
“Washing clothes in a bucket… They still smell pretty bad. I need to practice this more.”
Day 7: “woah, check out that thigh muscle”
“How did I make it up that hill?!”
“Porta Potties aren’t the best thing either”
“I love quiet time. Journaling is actually pretty fun and effective.”
“How does everyone else still have so much energy to hang out together this late?”
Day 8: “why is my hair more disgusting AFTER the bucket shower than before? I’m clearly doing this wrong”
“In 6 weeks, I’m leaving for 11 months.
“How am I still out of breath from walking after this many days?”
“Everyone is so pumped… Why am I not?”
Day 9: “I’m not letting God down. That is the enemy. It’s not a sin to not be excited.”
“I have one day left.
“My team is made up of the sweetest girls… And the most precious.”
“I can do life with these ladies!”
Day 10: “I’m going home tomorrow morning. YYYYEEESSSSS”
“Why does that make me tear up a little?”
“I am so blessed with my team, with my friends, with my family, with my boyfriend. I’m so showered with love and support.”
“What’s up with all of this emotion?”
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I didn’t want to write a blog after training camp. I watched my squadmates posting theirs. I saw all the excitement in their words. I’ve read over and over again how excited and ready to go everyone is. And as you can tell from my daily thoughts…I’m not. Writing this is hard, because I don’t know how people will receive it. Will they think I’m negative? Will they dread going on the race with me because I’m not excited? What will the people at home think? Will they feel let down that I’m not jumping for joy over leaving?
The truth is, training camp was hard for me. Not just physically, but emotionally. It made me confront a lot of fears and ask myself some hard questions. Like why I didn’t trust God with my life. Ouch! I realized just how much I would miss my friends, my family and my boyfriend. During the second night, I heard someone’s voice that reminded me of a man from church and it made me tear up. Despite how wonderful my squad is and the friendships I was forming, I felt sad. And I felt a little angry that God was calling me to leave. While I was feeling sad and angry, God continued to reassure and love on me. He told me I wasn’t alone and led me to people who knew where I was coming from because they had been there too. One of the trainers told me that sometimes being obedient to God is hard. She reminded me of Luke 22, where Jesus is praying in the garden of Gethsemane and asking God to take the task of the cross off of Him. God responds by sending an angel to strengthen Jesus. In turn, Jesus prayed harder. Jesus knew He would obey God, but He felt anguished. So anguished that as He prayed, He began sweating blood. Think about how much strength and love it takes to do something when you are that anguished about doing it. Jesus wasn’t totally pumped about what He was about to do in this moment. I read this and I realized God understands that I am not thrilled and He isn’t angry at me for it. He loves me and He is going to be with me, giving me the strength I need to follow His plan. I just have to agree to do it. And I am. I’m leaving my loved ones and my comforts for a year. I’m putting my relationships in the palm of my hand and holding them out to God to do with them as He wishes. It’s scary and it’s hard, and that’s okay. It doesn’t make me bad. It doesn’t mean my journey will be less than anyone else’s or that God won’t be able to use me to spread Christ’s love to others. It just means I’m having to be a little more obedient and that my walk looks a little different.
And you know, training camp wasn’t all bad. I learned some pretty awesome stuff too. Here are some of the highlights:
- God gives you the strength you need. I’ve said this from the beginning, but I don’t think I truly believed it until I saw Him doing it.
- You can pray to God when you are angry. It doesn’t offend Him. I don’t have to wait until I am less angry to talk with Him. I don’t know why this was such a revelation to me, but it was.
- Soul ties are a thing and the power of prayer can break them.
- I am a daughter of God. Christ makes me so clean that when God looks at me He only sees me as He sees Christ. The closer I am to Him, the less I want to sin against Him. This is not some huge revelation but the first time I really felt it.
- Sometimes my first impressions are wrong! (shout out to my sweet Christina Christina here!)
- You can love people you just met
- You can share your darkest, deepest secrets with people who are worthy of hearing it….and they will still love you. Because Jesus.
- When you don’t look in a mirror for 8 days, you care a LOT less about how you look. I literally have never felt so free in this before.
- shame and guilt are two different things. Guilt comes from conviction, shame comes from the enemy.
- I can be pretty discerning, which is exciting because honestly I didn’t think I had many gifts or talents.
- The AIM z-squad trainers were AMAZING. Seriously, so approachable and easy to talk to. They make you feel like your feelings and thoughts are completely normal in times when you feel anything but.
I am going to leave you here with two bible verses:
For years my favorite bible verse has been (and continues to be) Psalms 118:5-6
In my anguish, I cried out to the Lord and He answered by setting me free. The Lord is with me, I will not be afraid. What can man do to me? The Lord is with me, He is my helper…”
And one that spoke to me at camp: Luke 22: 41-43
and [Jesus] withdrew from them about a stone’s throw, and knelt down and prayed, saying, ‘Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me. Nevertheless, not my will, but yours, be done.‘ And there appeared to Him an angel from heaven, strengthening Him. and being in agony, He prayed more earnestly, and His sweat became like giant drops of blood falling down to the ground.
I am afraid but nevertheless Lord, not my will, but yours be done
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I have created a new email address. This will be my primary source of communication while on the race. If you are interested in having it, let me know!
I am a little over 4,000 away from being FULLY FUNDED!!!!! That is crazy right? I have theories about this. I am pretty sure God knew I would need the extra encouragement of being fully funded so I wouldn’t have the opportunity to back out in fear. He knows me too well. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU to those of you who have donated!
I leave September 5th (because some loving (but crazy) people decided to give me some responsibilities as treasurer for my team. Bless us all Lord. That is in 43 days by the way….. 43 days.
If you are not already following this blog, please do so! It will update you every time I post a new one! What a great way to keep up with me.
OH YEAH! I found out where I will be for the first month: Kampala, Uganda. That is a city, so no tent for me this month. We will be loving on babies, doing slum outreach (including medical and a night under the stars where we will be sleeping out in the slums with the children one night a week—hey if you could NOT mention that to my mom, it would great), helping with daycare/schooling and whatever else the organization would like our help with. I am pretty excited about it!
I also have my team! If you look at the bar on the left you will see a new tab that says Meet My Team, I encourage you to click on it to see the beautiful women I will be doing life and ministry with.
