So I should be at training camp in Gainesville, Georgia right now.
But I’m not. I’m at home.
I never in a million years thought that I would have to tell you this, but I am not going on the world race this September.
I don’t even know how to go about writing this post. I am still very much grieving and my heart is crushed. I guess I will just let you guys into my mind a little bit and explain my decision to you.
I have been looking forward to doing mission work straight out of high school for the past 4 years. And if you have ever talked to me you could testify that this is true. So when I began looking for ways to pursue the calling that God placed on my heart, I chose the first trip/organization that I had peace about. I definitely felt like the world race was where God called me. But now looking back I am starting to realize that I listened more to what Makenzie wanted and then talked with God about it so that I could get his stamp of approval and blessings over the trip.
So I went through the whole application, fundraising, shopping for gear, and even going to Georgia for training camp. And God was so faithful through it all, he always provided and I felt like he was with me throughout the way.
But when I got to training camp I quickly realized that the world race is not where I am supposed to be spending the next 9 months of my life.
what.
I am just going to be brutally honest with you guys because I don’t want you to make assumptions as to why I left– I want to let you guys in and hopefully give you a bit of understanding. I was miserable when I got to camp. It had nothing to do with Adventures– they are a phenomenal organization. It was me. I felt so distant from God and so uneasy about everything. {Ya know, that gut feeling that won’t go away? or nah} I realized that I am not in a place in my life mentally where I can be 100% invested in what God has to offer me on the world race. I don’t want to have one foot in the door and one foot outside the door. That isn’t how I want to serve.
I am also starting to realize that I wasn’t going on the race for all the right reasons. I was trying to impress God with doing something so extravagant in hopes that he would love me more or bless my life just because I was going elsewhere or that people would think higher of me. But I type this now, so sad, because all God wanted me to do was stop planning and just listen to him.
So now I’m home and it stinks. I don’t want to be here. But I also don’t want to be at world race training camp either. Not because I don’t want to serve, but because I know that I am not in a place where I could go. And that is something that has {and still is and will be} been so hard for me to accept. Looking back, I can see places over the past year where God was kind of like are you sure you’re ready and I blew it off without thought because I told myself I was fine and I told everyone around me the same thing and never saw myself as one who would back down or quit.
To be super honest with you, I am still frustrated with God. I spent a year of my life preparing for this and fundraising and praying and meeting my awesome teammates. And he brought me all the way to Georgia, one month before I was supposed to leave for Thailand, and then brought me all the way back home.
I am never going to understand why God does some things, and this is one of them.
Now that I am home, I am left with nothing that I was planning on having. No plan for life, no healed wounds, no college acceptance letters, no plane ticket to Thailand. But I’m starting to wonder if this is what God wanted. I was just too stubborn to listen to him. I was almost fully funded for my trip and spent a year of my life planning. God did all of this to simply look at me and say slow down and listen to me. In the midst of my sorrow I find comfort in the fact that the creator of the universe went through all of that just to win my heart back. And this was the only way that he could catch my attention.
So I ask myself, what now? And I have absolutely nothing planned. Like I don’t even know what I’m doing tomorrow which is weird for me. But I am going to take this time that God has given me and I am going to seek him and see what he wants me to do with it. I’m back at square one.
Something that has stood out to me over the past 2 weeks is words. I am really good at saying all of the right things to make people {and myself} believe what I want them to. And I feel like a lot of my prayers are filled with empty words that I say to cross talking to God off of my nightly to do list. I would like to start with building a stronger foundation in Christ and making my words purposeful. I don’t know what either of these look like but I am going to wholeheartedly seek the Lord and hopefully he will reveal that to me. But I don’t want to do anything without seeking the Lord first.
I understand that some of you may be mad and some confused. And I completely understand because it is still something that I am struggling to accept, as I mentioned before. I would love to talk to you more if you don’t quite understand.
Second, I’m sure that the question that is plaguing all of your minds is about the money that you have given me. This is one aspect that has been SO hard for me, I feel like I have disappointed so many people. But I have to keep telling myself that this is God’s money and he is going to use it. And be of good comfort my friends, all of the money will remain in my adventures in missions account and if I decide to do the world race next year or any other mission trip through the organization, I will get to use those funds. I am beyond thankful to have had all of the support that I have received. And I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Just know that I am not saying no to the world race forever, I am just saying not now. I am at peace and I am going to embark on a journey with the Lord right here in Goshen and we’re going to do some major soul searching.
Much love <3
*sadly, AIM can’t give any refunds for any donations. But, it will be waiting for me safely and ready for when God reveals where he wants me next.
