This is where I am.
The other day my team sat down an analyzed where we were spiritually. We went through a lot of teaching and refinement through training camp, and launch, but now that we are finished with our first week of ministry in our second country, where do we think we are. In that thought I was taking into context what I had been through the previous month, the goals I set for myself, how fast I was moving deeper before now, and what I had been doing that week to go deeper. What I shared with my team was that I thought I was in a good place. And at first I realized how shallow of an answer that was so I tried to explain. I was in a good place because I felt like I had grown a lot through the past month, and I was open to learning new things, like being more vulnerable, which I’m making progress with that. But, I was also quick to share that I don’t want to get comfortable here. Later the lyrics “I have come to this place in my life, I’m full but I’m not satisfied” played on one of my playlist which I thought was the perfect way to explain how I had been feeling. (Side note: God speaks to me a lot of times through music, which confirms Gods sense of humor because for anyone that knows me knows I have zero musical abilities, but I love it so much!) I know the Lord still has so much more for me, and I have a hunger and thirst for more and to go deeper. So I wanted to enjoy the good place I was in, but acknowledge that I don’t want to stay here either. Then as that song went on it said “I’m standing knee deep, but I’m out where I’ve never been.” That’s exactly what I was feeling. I am in a place I have never been even though it seems like such an easy concept.
So this morning, February 9th, I was preparing for a bible study that I have been doing with this young lady at the orphanage while listening to some music. During this time God revealed to me what it is that I should be seeking and hungering for now, what that next step to go deeper is. We have been going through Proverbs together and it talks a lot about seeking wisdom, knowledge, and instruction. We have been doing this bible study together for almost a week and it wasn’t until now that it really clicked with me.
Wisdom, knowledge, and instruction.
Reflecting on our bible study and reading what all I had written throughout it I realized that it’s nothing I do to gain wisdom, knowledge, or insight, it’s seek after him and those things will come. Then as I continued to read these verses really stood out to me. Proverbs 8:10-11 “Take my instruction instead of silver, and knowledge rather than choice gold, for wisdom is better than jewels, and all that you may desire cannot compare with her.” I started analyzing the verse and my heart to figure out why it stood out so much. God began to bring up desires in my heart that I have been struggling with. Essentially a desire I was choosing over his instruction, knowledge, and wisdom. I have a deep desire to meet the man I am going to spend the rest of my life with. I desire to be married and begin the life with him and ministry with him. I have honestly tried to suppress this desire so it wouldn’t be a struggle, but I think that made it worse. One of our squad leaders gave us an example that I think goes perfect here. It was like trying to push a beach ball under the water. It will stay there for a second, but it eventually pops up somewhere else. When I started thinking through this desire I immediately felt convicted to deal with it in order to seek wisdom, knowledge, and instruction in the way the Lord wanted me to.
In that moment I was like what does this even mean……..? But then I was reminded of what I have been learning, vulnerability. I felt like I needed to share with my team the struggle I was facing with laying down my deepest desire, but of course I started thinking ‘what are they going to think of me,’ ‘this means I will actually have to work through my deepest desire,’ ‘this is just too messy,’ and ‘what will this look like after?’ My new ‘learning to be vulnerable’ side of myself opened up my journal and wrote everything down and purposefully left a large blank spot at the bottom with ‘How it went..” written. By this point the song I mentioned in the first part of my story came on and these lyrics were just perfect “whatever it looks like, whatever may come I’m yours.” In that moment I knew no matter how messy, or scary it was I had to share with my team first and then blog about it. Well.. as you can see by the date it took me a little while to actually share, but I knew it was exactly what I was suppose to do.
For anyone reading this saying “man, she is sharing too much,” “I can’t believe she said that,” or “I could never share something like that” this is where my heart is “whether I sink, whether I swim it makes no difference when I’m beautifully in over my head.” By posting and sharing this “I lost control, but I’m free.”
A very wise woman shared with me to be very careful about the lyrics we sing to God because we are essentially asking for those things and I thought she was a little crazy (Sorry Mama K). I mean I am just singing, but no really!!!! I actually found this song right before I left for the World Race and I told God that this was my prayer for myself on the Race, got here and completely forgot about it. I am getting exactly what I sang about and prayed for.
I’m allowing God to “come and do whatever you want to.”
Crash over me.
I want to be in over my head.
