Sometimes you just need to K.I.S.S.
I’ve been avoiding talking about training and launch because so much has happened, and it’s hard to break it all down. 1) What we actually did (you wouldn’t believe how much the days run together). And 2) How it has affected me.
But I’m going to keep it simple.
One of the first things we did that I remember having a big impact on me was praying for healing. The people in our squad that needed healing all went to one side of the room, then the leaders asked us to go to someone and ask what they needed prayer over, and then proceed pray. Fairly simple and straight forward. World racers in the past have been healed by prayer, and have healed others around the world. Our leaders even shared stories they were present for. I have no problem believing in the power of prayer, especially when I’m not the one being prayed over, but it was still impactful to watch and be a part.
A few people were healed, some partially and others fully, others still saw no change. One of the first things you have to accept after learning that prayer works is learning that it works on Gods time, not mine. God choses who to heal and who needs to wait. I won’t share their stories, they aren’t mine to share. My story is knowing Asking is Ok, asking works, but patience is needed.
Leading into the next big thing for me; Listening Prayer. An A.T.L. (Ask The Lord). While I’ve asked the Lord many things, it’s never been quite like this.
Karen and Seth (Team mom and founder of AIM, respectively) taught us all what an ATL was and how to do one, inspired by the book Treasure Hunt. The Fusion Squad (all 23 of us) did ATLs within our teams; asking God to give us clues, a ‘people group’, color, ailment, place, and thing, describing a person He wants us to reach out to and pray for. I will share the two ATLs we did in the next blog. Today I want to tell you about how hard it was for me.
Hearing God is something I’m still struggling with. Being able to tell if he’s actually telling me something or if I just think he is and it’s really my own thoughts is hard for me to distinguish. Am I thinking I hear him because I actually am, or because I want so badly to hear him that I imagine it? Others were getting words and pictures from God. Words of encouragement to give others and words God was giving to them. Me? Nothing. Nadad. Squat. Zilch. But I know I’ve felt him in the past, and realized what he wanted me to do or not do.
So I want to narrow down how God talks to me. I know it’s not pictures, and likely not words, at least not frequently. For a few days I thought God might be using my OCD to speak to me. I almost went up to one of the guests at the Eubanks to strike up a conversation, but they’d been surrounded by 30 of us the past few days and so I reconsidered and decided to give him space and let him enjoy his coffee, no point in small talk. Well my OCD decided that I had to talk to him or I would be overwhelmed with guilt. I’ve been dealing with this for years so I ignored it and went about my day (I’m making that sound easier than it is). It wasn’t until later that Karen (one of the best listeners I’ve ever met) was talking about listening to God and if you don’t obey how he still loves you, how he would never make you feel guilty, that I realized there’s no way my OCD has anything to do with God. Karens words, and me remembering all the other times my OCD has led me nowhere cemented that fact.
I’m still learning how God talks to me. It’s not my OCD it’s not pictures, it’s sometimes thoughts that immediately appear in my head and I can find no other connection for. I’m still learning how he speaks to me, I’m being open to anything he has to say, in any way. But I’ve stopped begging God for it. I’ve stopped asking God to speak to me in this way or that way or that way and then doubting myself when I can’t hear him.
I miss just walking around and talking to God. I miss seeing something awesome and thinking him for showing it to me. I miss mini prayers throughout the day. 8 days into training and launch and I was beginning to dread prayer, beginning to dread the pressure I felt it put on me. I thought there was something wrong with me when I couldn’t hear him and everyone else could. I’m done, no more asking God to work on my time instead of me working on his.
So Now I’m Keeping It Simple…Siempre. K.I.S.S. And I’ve already felt a huge weight being lifted.
(*Siempre means Always in Spanish)
