This is hard for me to admit, but I’ve realized over the last few weeks that I don’t really believe in God.
You see, if I believed in God, I wouldn’t write things in my journal like, “I want to be confident that the Lord will come through, but to be honest, I feel this huge pit in the bottom of my stomach that can be named anxiety, worry, and nerves.”
If I believed in God, the God I so fervently say that I believe in, I would know that He called me on this journey and that He WILL provide for me. If I really believed in the God that spoke to Moses through a burning, but not really burning bush I would believe that He could find me a place to stay in every location. If I believed in the God that parted the Red Sea, defeated Goliath, crumbled Jericho, destroyed Baal, and resurrected the dead, then I would believe that my simplest needs are taken care of and not spend any time worrying about them.
Unfortunately, it turns out that I don’t or I didn’t. I’ve spent many a day on this adventure crushed by anxiety. The day before I left Edinburgh for Glasgow, I found myself in a place of despair, turning away from God and searching after friends and family to tell me everything would be alright. I knew the Lord wanted me to dive into His word and trust Him, but I refused because I felt abandoned by Him. I was leaving the next day and had nowhere to stay, how dare He!!! Why did He send me on this stupid journey anyways?? To leave me? To forsake me? To forget me in a dry and wary land…
Oh snap, I sound like a certain group of people once lost in the wilderness, “Why did you send us here to starve, we would have been better as slaves in Egypt!”
Yet, my God provides and that’s why He has sent me here. Because as much as I’ve told myself that I believe in Him and that I trust His provision, I’ve always had a backup plan. I’ve always had something to catch me just in case He couldn’t. I knew this was going to be about learning to trust Him, but I didn’t realize how much I didn’t trust Him.
It’s not easy to believe that which is unseen, Jesus himself told Thomas that those who believed and didn’t see would be more blessed than those that believed because they saw. Jesus knew it would difficult for us when we didn’t have His physical presence standing before us, but He planned for that. He sent His Holy Spirit to reign in us, to convict us and whisper to us when we doubted.
I’m tired of not believing in God. I’m sick of feeling like I need a backup plan for when He doesn’t come through…because He always comes through!! I’m choosing to not have any more of these days of frustration and worry. I’m choosing to FULLY believe in a God that cares about me, protects me and blesses me.
