Ill be honest, Ive been struggling writing this blog. I have been full emotions these past few weeks.
While I was in Cambodia I got pneumonia. I made the decision to head back to America to get better. My plan was to be at home for two weeks, get better, pack up and head to Vietnam to meet back up with my team.
God had different plans.
When I made it home a lot happened. A lot. I suddenly didn’t have a place to stay and found out that my dad had cancer and needed to have surgery. Before I found that out I was already struggling with whether or not to go back to the race. For me, the race was a great experience and I met so many amazing people and made so many life long friends. But I was struggling. I found myself being sad and homesick a lot while on the field.
So many things have happened that confirmed for me that at this point in my life I need to be at home.
During the race my squad leader, Erika, got a word from God for me. She told me, “Madison, you are stronger than you think.” I will never forget her telling me that. At the time I didn’t really know what I was supposed to be strong for but I knew she was right.
When I got home and I was wrestling with my decision and someone very close to my heart told me, “Madison, you are stronger than you think.” I lost it. I knew that it was okay for me to stay home. I knew I could leave the race as hard as it was and I would be strong.
Ive wanted to write a blog for about two weeks now but I was scared. I was scared to make my final decision and after I made my decision I was scared about how people would react to it. I feared disappointment, I feared feeling like a failure, I feared letting people down, losing friends, and regret.
After almost three weeks of praying and talking to squad leaders, mentors, coaches, my team/squad, my therapist, my family and my friends I have decided not to return to the race.
This was one of the hardest decisions I have ever made but God has reassured me in so many ways that He is okay with this decision.
I have found that everyone has been so supportive and loving. I have received so many messages from so many people telling me that they love me no matter what and that they will always support me.
This morning I was just laying on the couch watching tv and these words randomly came into my head, “My plans for you are good.” I began to cry and I got chills and I knew it was time to finally write this blog. Gods plans for me are good, whatever they may be, they are so good.
This morning was very rainy and dark. I ran to get my laptop and before I started writing I listened to the song, “How he loves us” by David Crowder Band. At the beginning of the song they sing, “He is jealous for me. His loves like a hurricane, and I am a tree, bending beneath the wave of his wind and mercy. And all of a sudden I am aware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory, and I realize just how beautiful you are and how great your affections are for me.” And I’m not kidding, with my eyes closed I saw the room get lighter. I opened my eyes and the sun peaked through the clouds and within seconds the rain was gone and the sun was out. I sat there singing and staring at the sky and just thanked God for the opportunity that He has given to me.
To all my supporters:
I don’t even know where to begin. You all have always believed in me and supported me and loved me no matter what. I can not thank you enough for standing behind me and loving me the way God loves me. You all mean so much to me and everything you have done for me will never be forgotten. There is such a beautiful, special place in Heaven for all of you. God smiles down on your good works and He loves you so much. And I want to say that I am sorry from the bottom of my heart if I have let you down in any way. You are all so special to me.
To my squad/team/leaders/coaches:
The past three months of my life will be ones that I will never forget as long as I live. I am forever changed because of you all. Your friendships mean the entire world to me. You all loved me before you even knew who I was or anything about me. You are the greatest people I have ever met. You are all so strong and so amazing. Continue to do good works for the Kingdom. He is smiling down upon you. Keep moving forward and know that I will be praying for you all constantly. I love you guys so much. N SQUAD FOR LIFE!
To my family and my parents:
I know that I have not been the best sister, or best daughter at times in my life and I am so sorry for that. But through all those hard times as much as you wanted to probably turn away from me, you didn’t. You stood by me with decision to leave for the race and you stand by me today with my decision to stay home. You have always been my biggest fans and I am forever grateful for everything you all have done for me. I am so sorry if I have let any of you down. I promise to be a better sister and a better daughter from this day forward. I love you all so much and I couldn’t have done any of this without you.
My parents always told me, “Madison, at this point in your life, you are EXACTLY where God wants you to be.” That has been very hard to hear at times and it hasn’t made a lot of sense at times to me but right now it could not be more clear. And God has shown me that I am right were he wants me to be.
This decision was not an easy one to make. I hope you can all find it in your hearts to forgive me and to know that everything you did for me has not gone unnoticed with me and with God. You have all done more for me than I could have ever asked for. Thank you everyone so much for everything you have done for me.
I will continue to further Gods kingdom at home. I plan to join a small group and get more involved with the mission trips that my family does to Nicaragua several times a year. God has done absolutely amazing things in my life this past year and he will continue to work in me and through me.
“Trust in the Lord with all of your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.” Proverbs 3:5-6
