Lets be real. This is harder than I thought and we have it pretty nice this month. I have been extremely stressed out and upset and home sick since we got here. I am having and extremely hard time trusting God. And even even harder time hearing him. Its like I have a little devil on one shoulder and a little angel on the other and I keep forgetting the angel is there. The devil keeps telling that I cant do this, and thats its hard and only going to get harder, not to listen for God, get mad at the ones you love because they are no help, Jesus left you, you’re alone in this, you’re weak. I have been choosing to listen to the little devil on my shoulder instead of the little angel. The angel has told me that there are two things between my shoulders that are really strong though. Those two things are my head and my heart. My head is always all over the place but my heart has always been in the same place. My head never knows what it wants and I told it to shut up and chill out for a minute. My heart is telling me to let go. Let go of all worries, let go of any fears, let go of who I used to be and find out who God wants me to become, help people, see the world.
A few days ago we had a ton of rain and while everyone went inside and rested I walk out into the rain put my arms out at my side, and threw my face up towards the sky. Something about feeling the rain wash over me was so beautiful and freeing and cleansing. I felt refreshed and renewed. I thought about so much in those few minutes with my eyes closed under the falling rain. I thought oh my gosh Im on the other side of the world. Which is pretty cool. A song came to my head, “Stand in the rain” by Superchick. “She never slows down. She doesn’t know why but she knows that when she’s all alone it feels like its all coming down. She wont turn around. The shadows are long and she fears if she cries that first tear, the tears will not stop raining down. So stand in the rain. stand your ground. stand up when its all crashing down. You stand through the pain, you wont drowned. and one day whats lost can be found.” This song may have different meanings to different people but the meaning it had to me was this; No matter what, you have to stand through the rain. At some point in your life, sometimes more than once, you have to stand in the rain. You have to stand your ground, know that our God is holding that ground. Stand up when its all crashing down because trust me things will crash down but God is also there to make sure that you can handle whatever is crashing down on you. He wont let you drowned. The last thing that came to my head was a quote, “Rain must be the bravest thing God created. Know why? Because it is never afraid of falling down.” We have to be like rain. We cant be afraid to fall down. If you’re falling down its probably a good thing, that means the next thing thats going to happen is standing back up. Never stop standing back up.
Today I had a rough day. I was inspired by a teammate and downloaded a bunch of worship songs. I sat outside in the sunniest place I could find and just closed my eyes and listened and prayed. Two songs really hit me.
Oceans- Hillsong United
Lord I’m ready now- Plumb
I highly recommend these two songs if you haven’t heard them. My favorite part of the first one is when she sings, “Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders, let me walk upon the waters, wherever you would call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander. And my faith would be made stronger in the presence of my Savior.”
This reminded me not to worry and to dive head first into this year. Dive straight into the deep end. God wouldn’t have taken me here if he didn’t want to be here. And allow me to have faith without fear. The second song says, “…but Lord I’m ready now. All the walls are down. Time is running out and I want to make this count. I ran away from you. And I did what I wanted to, but I don’t want to let you down, Lord Im ready now, Lord I’m ready now. This is reminding me that as much as I want to be mad at God and blame him for leaving me and wasting months and months being angry at him that I am the one who ran away from him.
These are just some open thoughts I have been having. I am sure to have some more soon. Keep the prayers coming.
