This has been on my mind a lot lately. Why is it that the one thing I’ve wanted my whole entire life is finally happening to me and Im having the hardest time being excited about it. Is it because I never actually thought it would happen, is it because I’m making a mental list of all of the things I’m going to miss back home while I’m gone instead of making a physical list of what I will miss if I don’t go? Maybe its because I will be living with 60 strangers for 11 months. The people I have trusted, grown up with, surrounded myself with, can’t come with me. When will I get to talk to them and how much? Is it because I’m leaving behind a boyfriend?
Am I allowed to be mad at God? I think so. Don’t get me wrong he has blessed me with such an amazing opportunity to follow my heart. He gave me 60 strangers who are from all over the USA who all love me and don’t even know me yet. So how in the world could I be mad right? I am mad because I thought this would be easy. I thought buying all this stuff, leaving my friends and family, traveling, eating with my hands, everything…I thought it would be so easy. Its been the hardest few months of my entire life. When I was accepted to The World Race I was like oh my gosh this is the most perfect timing ever! I am so ready to get the heck out of indiana, all my friends are still in school, I am single, lets do this! God had other plans. He decided that a week after I got accepted that he would introduce me to my current boyfriend. Ill be super honest and say that I fell in love with him in this short amount of time. Leaving him and everything behind not knowing what is going to happen in the future is that hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. My best friend Julie-anne and I have never been apart for more than 5 minutes in my whole life. 11 months…11 months apart. How are we going to live? I know a bit overdramatic but I can’t believe we won’t get to talk everyday and see each other everyday. I am missing her graduating from IU this coming spring.
I am missing so much. But what about the things I will miss if I don’t go? I will miss my chance to travel the world for 16,000. I will miss the life long friendships I will make with my teammates. Ill miss seeing God in ways I never even thought could happen. Ill miss eating bugs (yes I’m actually excited about this one), getting tattooed by a monk in thailand, drinking a pint in ireland, helping orphans in africa, living with gypsies in romania, seeing God in the most beautiful places in the world and in the very darkest of places in the world. Ill miss finding out how strong I really am. Who I am. Who God is. Im not going to miss that stuff for the world.
Just like I said in my last blog, “Home is where the heart is,” a piece of my heart is all over the world in different places, left with different people and its about to be in even more places, but the biggest piece is left back in little ol indiana with the people I love and care about who I know will love me just as much when I return.
Im asking whoever is reading my blog to pray two things for me. Please pray for guidance. Guidance with what to do with everything here and my two months left in indiana. And pray for my heart and my mind just to be put to ease.
“Promise me you will never forget me. Because if I thought you would, i’d never leave” -Winnie the Pooh
