I have this tendency. It’s not something I am particularly proud of, and it has only been recently that I have thought to deem it as an “issue” in my life. But nevertheless, the Lord has brought me face-to-face with it, and is pushing me further and further towards recognizing, tackling, and ultimately conquering this silent beast that has begun plaguing my mind.
You see, I am okay at a lot of things. Being restless and interested in a spectrum of different subjects my entire life, I have learned to dabble and dip my toes into a variety of different skills, sports, hobbies, talents, etc. And every time, without fail, I end up not sticking with, well, anything. I would not even go so far as to call myself a “Jack of All Trades”, because nothing ever gets far enough to be labeled a “trade”. And until recently, I didn’t think much of it. I assumed that I was simply interested in everything and couldn’t pick one. And while there may be some truth to that, my eyes have been opened to the hidden truth behind this tendency.
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On my last team, I made the mistake of sharing that I used to be heavily involved in the spoken word poetry scene at my university. I recognized this faux pas immediately as I watched my creative genius teammate, Tiara’s, eyes light up. Uh-oh. I knew that look. Her wheels were turning. She urged me to start writing again as I shrugged it off with a “yeah I probably should” while quickly changing the subject.
It was only a matter of time before she approached me with a proposition. She had been asked to create a video for the organization we are working under and was seeking creative collaboration. The thing about Tiara is that her mind is an endless vortex of uniqueness. The videos she produces are works of art and nothing shy of perfection. And here she was asking me to be a part of one. Not just any video, of course, but the one she was asked to orchestrate to ultimately hand back to AIM as a thank you to the individuals who helped pave the way for our route.
My mind swirled in a storm of excuses, fear, and hesitation, but I reluctantly agreed. It had been years since I had put pen to paper and tried to come up with anything creative. So, doing what I do best, I procrastinated. I jotted down ideas in my journal, prayed through it a bit, but could never bring myself to start writing it…until the day before she needed a completed draft.
As I finally began to write, my mind told me that it was “just okay” and would “have to suffice” for her vision. I finished, but was petrified of sharing it with her. Every time she would ask to read it, I would tell her to wait until it was done, hoping it would morph into something incredible by then. I’m not sure it ever did, but I did finally hand it over, cringing as her eyes began to scan my words.
Within the first couple lines, she was in tears. Knowing Tiara and her aversion to crying, I knew I was in trouble. The further she read and the more her excitement grew, so did the knot in my stomach. ‘Oh gosh,’ my mind mused, ‘I might actually be more than just okay at this.’
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Fear is a funny monster and takes on a variety of forms. For me, it whispers in my ear every time I start chasing after something new and different. It’s like I eventually hit this threshold of pursuit when I am stopped dead in my tracks. Keep going, and I am left to discover my own fate. Will I be bad at this? Left to fail and fall on my face as I learn that I am not adequate enough to keep up the pursuit? A scary thought. Or will I be good at it? Will I discover a true passion and talent dwelling inside of me? One that people will start to notice. One that will place expectations on me. One that would require more of me. Investment. Action. To me, being bad at something is far less terrifying than the latter.
And so, for most of my life, I have lived at just being okay. It’s safer there. No one is asking too much of me, nothing is being put up for public scrutiny. I am not terribly bad at any one thing, but I am also not particularly good. It’s comfortable there, and fear has trapped me into thinking that it is a superior way of living.
This is probably why my notebook of poems is likely collecting dust in a closet somewhere. Why I can’t bring myself to learn more than three or four notes on the guitar. Why I hide my sketchbook whenever I begin to doodle. Why I sing quietly in church services. Why I prefer working out alone. Why you haven’t read a blog from me since October.
It takes courage to press into your gifts. And while all this time I thought I lacked courage, it turns out that it runs much deeper than that. Because until recently, I hadn’t seen the undeniable correlation between courage and vulnerability. It takes vulnerability to show the world what you’ve got. Because it can’t be boiled down to simply what you do. It’s who you are. And showcasing that is scary.
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And so, below you will find the link to watch Tiara’s video. I have cringed and squirmed as squadmates have passed around her computer to watch the finished product, and shrunk back in horror when it appeared on social media. And yet, here I am handing it to all of you on a silver platter. Receive it as a token representing how far I’ve come. Meanwhile, I feel like I have just spilled my soul out onto the table for all of you to either lap up or spit back out. You’re welcome.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nwOc0E69buA
