This is a story that I don’t like to share with many people and one that I rarely talk about with others because of the pain that it held over me for so long. When I was 13 I lost my Grandma. My Grandma wasn’t just my Grandma though, she was my best friend. Since I was really young, I had a really close relationship with my Grandpa Rusty and especially my Grandma Delores. We lived 3 hours away from them so we didn’t get to see them a lot but when we did it was really special. Every summer I stayed with my grandparents for a week, and those weeks contain some of my most treasured memories. Maybe because I got a little spoiled during that week but mostly because I got to create lasting memories with my grandparents during that time. I will forever cherish those times and those memories I had with my grandparents!
So when I was 13 and my grandma passed away, I was devastated to say the least. I didn’t understand it and at the time I couldn’t imagine how God could have made this part of her plan. And as I grew up, I didn’t give God the opportunity to let me understand His plan. I began to get even more angry at God for taking my Grandma so soon. I started to question Gods goodness and faithfulness. I questioned why God would take such an important person out of my life when I was just beginning to grow up, why was it fair that she will miss me graduate high school, college, get married, have kids, etc. I let the death of my Grandma Delores make me bitter towards God and I turned very selfish. My grieving became all about me and what I lost and what my future was going to be missing. Instead of giving my pain and suffering to God, l let it fester inside me and let it inhibit my relationship with God.
I never stopped to check my feelings because I was so upset with God and I didn’t give him the opportunity to heal me. Therefore, I let my pain control my life. I could have let grieving and healing happen but I didn’t want to acknowledge or process my pain. My 13 year old self didn’t open up to others about it and I definitely didn’t bring it before the Lord. It took me 7 years to heal because of this but I didn’t need time to heal, I needed God to heal.
I would be lying if I said that there weren’t days that I still broke down because of the ache in my heart for my sweet Grandma Delores. Honestly, I cried while writing this blog! I cry a lot when I talk about my Grandma, kind of because I am sensitive and kind of because my Grandma just held that important of a role in my life. And that is okay! It’s okay because God has healed me and He has held my hand and walked down this path of pain and suffering with me when I gave Him the opportunity. I know these tears probably won’t end and I don’t want that because through this I have learned that my suffering brings me closer to God. There is so much purpose in suffering, even though I can’t comprehend it. God is building every painful moment, into an opportunity to grow, share, and bring light to His kingdom.
