I am flawed and broken.
My past is too dark and my present is too dim.
I will disappoint.
I sometimes put my focus on everything but God.
I am a sinner.
I am far from perfect, therefore I am unworthy of love.
For quite some time, this was my mindset. You see; I was stuck in this frame of mind for quite some time. I heard, read, and knew all about Christ’s love for me. I knew that I was deemed holy and righteous, that my sins were forgiven and forgotten. I knew I was a covenant child of God. But the problem was that I never believed it fully.
The Bible tells us that God loves us in many different ways.“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.” John 3:16 There is something else vital to this message other than just love. “Believe“. To know this promise is one thing. But to believe that God is always there for us with His best intentions is vital.
Just take that in for a second. We may know that our Creator loves us. But do with believe it? Down to the bottom of our hearts do we believe what we know about God through scripture?
Having the small doubt that God’s promises couldn’t apply to someone like me left me buried in lies. I kept looking into the Word to know it, but I couldn’t grasp it. This mindset had made it hard for me to get through a day without feeling guilt, shame or regret about who I was and who I am. I had this mindset that God looked down upon me disappointed and with judgmental disapproval. I felt as if God, as well as those around me, kept a nice tally of things I did wrong and held it against me. That my value wavered up and down as I did a great devotion one night, and made a bad mistake the next.I saw that I wasn’t perfect and I thought that I had to strive for perfection everyday. My view on God’s unconditional love had some conditions in it.
I couldn’t see myself worthy of love, so I couldn’t love myself. And because I couldn’t love myself, I couldn’t accurately love the people around me (as much as I tried to). I was in this grueling cycle of feeling as if I had to please everyone around me and I felt defeated when I disappointed them or didn’t live up to their standards. I feared the idea of disappointment. So I would unconsciously keep a wall between myself and others, and push the people closest to me away without even realizing the damage on both me and them.
I did not realize this nasty habit and devastating mindset I had until someone finally said the words. “You’re not worth loving“
The first thing that came to mind was oh no the truth is out. I am not the only one who can see my unworthiness. It’s true that I can not be loved. It’s true that I will always disappoint.
I realized the only reason I “wasn’t worth loving” is because I put myself in that position. The lies in my head were seen as truths. I put up walls and barriers to push and keep people away so they couldn’t have the chance to love who God made me. I didn’t see or value myself as a priceless child of God, so why would anyone else? I had barriers between me and God as well and He was trying to tear them down. And boy did He tear them down.
That’s where I started falling back into scripture, figuring out that I did not believe what I know. I didn’t realize my worth in love, I didn’t see my unshakable value that God had put upon me before the day I was even created in my mothers womb. Now that I have fully accepted His grace, His mercy and His unchanging love, my eyes see in new, beautiful and resilient colors! A weight has been lifted off my chest and I feel truly loved. I know that my value will never change no matter how many rights or wrongs I go through. What others say or think does not determine my worth or worthiness of love. Even my own opinions of myself can not shake how God sees me.
I am chosen. Ephesians 1:5
I am a child and heir of God. Romans 8:17
I am loved. Romans 8:35
I am perfect in Jesus’ eyes. 2 Corinthians 5:21
I am a saint. Romans 7:4-6
I am not who I used to be; I am a new person. 2 Corinthians 5:17
God is the one who pulled me out of this cycle of lies. I feel God has allowed this battle for me that I may have empathy for and sympathy for those who struggle with those lies as well. I’m always finding myself reaching out to those who can not see their true value. This is one of the things I am passionate about, that I hope to use on the World Race. I want to help change the hearts and mindsets of God’s people. To be honest there are times when I feel like I am the most unworthy person to go on this trip for God’s glory. But when you look back into scripture you realize He uses some of the most unqualified (unworthy) people to change the world for His Glory. He is not looking for the qualified and worthy; He is looking for the willing.
I am willing. I want to share the Good News that is filled inside of me. I can not wait to go out into the field and be the Lord’s hands and feet. To be God’s tool to remind people that they have a priceless value that can not be replaced. That God’s people may drop the weight of their guilt and shame and be lifted up in joy and redemption. It’s a thrilling opportunity and blessing to show people of all the nations the love of Jesus Christ, Our Savior. Not only will God give me the opportunity to show them and remind them that they are loved; but the door may be opened for them to believe that they are worthy of the unconditional love they receive from God! I hope God uses me to change the lives of these beautiful people around the world. (Both across seas and in my backyard.) That some may be able to say “I used to think I was unworthy, until I was shown the grace and love of Jesus Christ.”
And I heard the voice of the Lord saying, “Whom shall I send, and who will go for us?” Then I said, “Here I am! Send me.” Isaiah 6:8 ESV
