If you know me at all, you know that I am a movie fanatic. I can quote movies all day long and I like to see if other people can too (much to the chagrin of my sister). Naturally, I can relate what’s going on in movies to what is going on in my own life. One of my favorite movies is The Italian Job. Both the old and new versions are good, but I prefer the newer version. In that movie there is a clip including two of the main characters. One man says he’s fine and the other then defines what fine actually means: freaked out, insecure, neurotic, and emotional. If you want to take 30 seconds to watch the video it is down below.
So why am I telling you all of this. Well, earlier this week I had a “fine” moment. I was sitting in a Torchy’s Tacos waiting on an order of food. I got a call from my dad and he asked a very simple question, “When can you go on vacation?” These are the thoughts that came rushing into my head.
I don’t know when I can go. I don’t know if I will have all my stuff ready for the race. I don’t know if I will be done fundraising. I don’t know when exactly I have to be in Georgia for launch. I don’t know what I am packing. I don’t know if going on a vacation is wise. I don’t know if I should be doing something different with my time. I don’t want to think about vacation because if we are talking about vacation that means that its summer and if its summer then that means August is really close and if August is close then that means I am about to leave the country for basically a year and I won’t see my family and I won’t spend Christmas with them and I won’t get to see my friends get married and I am missing birthdays and holidays and I don’t want to think about this.
All of these thoughts raced through my brain in about 2.5 seconds.
So here I am, sitting in Torchy’s, perfectly okay one moment, and then one phone call later and I turn into a crying mess. Talk about “fine”. Thankfully the food arrived before ALL of my dignity was gone, and like the typical girl I am, I went and cried in my car instead. I sat in my front seat and let the tears flow for a good five minutes.
Again the question could be asked, why am I telling you all of this?
For me the answer is simple, this is who I am right now. This one story is a messy yet beautiful picture of my life in this exact season. I am “fine”. I am freaked out about all of the different things I am going to experience and live through (and eat). I am insecure about what to bring and how to pack it and how I’m going to look in it (silly I know, but long shorts are not an easy look to pull off). I am neurotic about fundraising and thinking about how I am going to raise the rest of my funds. The last one is the easiest; I am emotional about everything.
So, if you ask me how I am, I’m fine. Ask me in a month and I’ll probably have a different answer. That is the nature of this crazy journey I am on.
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