Missionaries are human. Just like you and just like me. I think we sometimes
tend to forget that. I know most of the missionaries I have heard speak seem to
have it all together, but its all for show, believe me. I thought that going on
the mission field would be the same as staying at home, considering that everywhere
is a mission field, but I was wrong.
The life of a missionary is not always a bed of roses. I have been on the mission field
for 5 months now and several times I have had my moments of darkness. Moments when
you don't think you can make it anymore. Moments when nothing seems to make
since. Moments when you question God.
In El Salvador I was very sick. I was confined to my bed for nine days, nine
long and hard days. At first I understood that I was just sick and that happens
to everyone, but it continued to get worse. My body gave out and my mind was
struggling. My mind was instantly filled with questions, anger, and doubt.
Questions:
Why am I sick?
What is the point of putting on my armor everyday if I still get sick?
Did God really call me to the WR to lay on be for nine days?
Did God really call my to the WR?
Why is God letting this happen?
Does He even care?
Imagine all this through your mind and add being in a foreign country with your
family and doctor a thousand miles away. It's not a good feeling.
In Honduras I really began to question my calling to missions. Is this what I
want to do everyday for the rest of my life? It's so exhausting. Is it even
worth it. Am I making a difference?
In Romania I hit a numb spot. I decided that I didn't care. I didn't care about
missions. I didn't care about people. I hardly talked to my family, friends, and
I gave up on my relationship with my boyfriend. I woke up everyday not caring
about what the day held. I felt God speaking and I learned to suppress His
voice. I knew He was calling me great things and I didn't feel like doing
anything. I can feel my light slowing going out....
And now, here in Ukraine once again I am in a pit of darkness. I'm trying listen
wholeheartedly to God, but instead so many other voices fill my head. I get such
a yearning from God only to be interrupted by someone else's thoughts or
opinions. When I finally get the courage to speak up if feels as if I am being
quieted.
Finally I broke. I can't do this anymore. I'm tired. I'm tired of feeling
discouraged. I'm tired of being away from my family, friends, and boyfriend. I'm
tired of God calling me to do great and mighty things only to be knocked down.
I'm tired of standing back up. So I didn't. I quit. I let the darkness overcome
me. I laid on the floor crying and wanting to never get back up.
Then I heard His voice:
I dare you to move. Lynnsey, I dare you to move. I dare you to lift yourself up
off the floor. Maybe redemption has stories to tell. Maybe forgiveness is right
where you fell. Where can you run to escape from yourself? Where are you gonna go?
Where are you gonna go? I am here. I am always here with you. I dare you to
move Lynnsey. Find me, even in the darkness. I am here.
In my times of darkness God led to Ezekiel.
Through all the darkness God has taught me, just as He taught Ezekiel, that
sometimes things don't make since. Sometimes people won't listen to what He
tells me to tell them. Sometimes there is a dry season. Sometimes is
frustrating. But... God is God. He knows all. The things He says will come to
pass. There is a reward in being obedient. He will use me to bring dry bones to
life. He will bring my dry bones to life. He will restore all things and bring
them to a new life.
My response:
You know my name. I know you wrote my story. But there are days I can't see a
happy ending. Life gets hard, sometimes it just hurts. Its kicking me down and
throwing me curves, but I feel the rain. I won't be afraid.
When I feel like giving up, when my heart is hurt too much, when I think I've reached the end. No, I won't turn and run, this battle will be won. Because I will get up and stand! Some days I may lose my place and it's a fight to keep my faith, but you are with me, I am not alone. You are my rock when the storm clouds blow. I look up and all I see is your love holding me. I know that lifes gonna knock me down, but it's not gonna keep me down. I'm gonna trust you in every season. I know you are here. I know you're for me. I know that joy comes in the morning. God I believe it now. God I believe you now.
I know you are who you say you are.
You are the one still standing when everything is falling apart. I know you
always have my heart. I'll still be smiling when the sky is dark.
I believe you are who you say you are.
I will get up and fight.
