Identity throwback

I wrote this well over a year ago when I was stuck at home without a job and really frustrated. Identity has been a major theme for me so far on the race and I haven't been posting a ton of stuff…so this kind of fits.
 

“Our nature makes us wish for rest, that is to say, an increase in being.” –St. Augustine
 

Sitting still is just about the worst thing I can possibly imagine. I fight it with everything in my being because I’ve always been taught to feel guilty for sitting idle. For some reason this includes work or progress that is done while physically sitting still. It seems reasonable; there’s that saying about idle hands being the devil’s workshop or playground or whatever it says. God has this irksome tendency to put people in the middle of things they don’t like…something about growth and being uncomfortable and all of that Christian junk that no one really enjoys, but it’s healthy or beneficial or something. Kind of like parents force feeding their children vegetables. It’s no secret I’ve been forced to be more still over the past year or two than I would’ve liked. I’ve spent a lot of time hating it and then I decided to make the best of it and have a good attitude in spite of things, so I started chopping down the forest and working to assuage my guilty feelings about being such a mooch on my parents and to feel like I have some sort of purpose.

I’m one of those people that absolutely must have a greater purpose or I feel absolutely awful about myself and I can’t handle life. It’s been really HOT lately and I can’t stand to do manual labor in the heat while being bitten by thousands of bugs, so I sit in my parent’s lovely air-conditioned home and only go outside when it’s necessary. I’ve been doing stuff like reading, watching TV, learning, showering, eating, and let’s not forget…looking for and applying to some jobs. Oh, and I sleep a good bit. And perhaps I learn a lot about God. It’s kind of awful and I feel guilty. Why? Because I’m not physically on the move and I feel like my life doesn’t have purpose. Basically what we have here is me being even more still and somewhat freaking out about the state of my life. Apparently, God planned for such a time as this.

I’ve been struggling with detaching identity and actions. Who am I if I don’t physically do things? Surely I’m not made for this much rest and I should feel guilty because I’m like, being lazy or useless or something. Maybe most of us strive to keep busy because we don’t know who we are without those things that we do or the things people label us. We need anchors to indicate our identity to us. Inactivity is not anchored to anything substantial. When people ask us to tell them a little bit about ourselves, we say things that include our job titles, where we work, where we went to school, where we grew up, things we like to do for fun, what kind of car we drive, what we believe (maybe, if we aren’t too worried about tolerance)…etc, etc. It seems crazy that these things are the sum total of our being and who we are. Who are we without all these things and circumstances and blessings we have been given?

If my physical actions don’t define who I am or give me the purpose I seek, what was I made for? Why did God make us? Obviously we were created to glorify God, because it pleased Him to create us. (Rev 4:11). It kind of blows my mind that God can be pleased with me without my actions. Not that I think we have to work for salvation or for God to love us, but it’s just…unfathomable, this love God has for us.

I stole this from some random blog;
 

“He notices me. He is attentive to my regard for him and to my development as a person. My choices do affect the quality of my relationship with him and the level of responsibility he is willing to give me. But they do not change my fundamental worth. I am uniquely and intrinsically valuable to God by virtue of the sort of creature that I am. That is where I need to anchor my identity. Whether or not anyone else sees me. Whether or not I meet my own list of arbitrary expectations. Whether or not I feel particularly lovable. Though broken and marred by sin, I am an amazing creature! Downplaying or denying the unique significance, beauty, and potential that God has invested in me amounts to an abominable lie.”

So if I don’t have to validate myself through performance or actions, then my identity doesn’t hang on the things I do or don’t do. I am simply a child of God, a unique creature in His image. That is our role, that’s who we are, not all of the stuff we do. Motives switch from gaining validation to offering one’s self, simply because we have something to offer.