It's never too late to post blogs that I never posted, right? Well, here is the one from training camp. Enjoy.
Oh…training camp. I'm not sure if this was one of the most miserable weeks of my life, or the one of the best. In a lot of ways, it really, really sucked. Torrential downpours were common, it was hot and humid, I don't think I was ever fully dry, we were sleep deprived, uncomfortable, dirty, stinky, ate tons of rice…it doesn't seem that bad from just those few descriptive words, but it really sucked.
Did I mention it rained? A lot.
I got into my tent the very first night and laid there for half an hour in silence, internally freaking out and wondering what the heck I was thinking. So I had a little chat with Jesus…it went something like this:
Me: I can't do this. This is the first night of training camp and I'm already freaking out. It's raining, I'm wet, miserable, emotionally raw. What if I can't do this? I didn't think it was going to be this hard. I must have misunderstood you, because my life would be a lot easier and much more comfortable without this crazy journey. I'm not strong enough for this.
God: You are right, you aren't strong enough for this. But I am. I will carry you through. Don't be afraid. I know that it's going to be hard, harder than you can imagine. And it's going to cost you more than you ever thought you had to give. It will not be easy. There will be times when you want to give up and quit. There will be days when you feel that you cannot go on. It will be uncomfortable. You are going to miss the people you love and the comfort of your own bed. This journey is going to break you. You can choose now to remain where you are, you will be mine no matter where you are at. But how much do you love me? What are you willing to sacrifice to seek me? What am I worth to you? Are you going to opt in? Choose.
I hate making decisions. I'm always afraid of making a wrong turn. I wait to fully commit until I can be sure it is a desirable path. So much is unknown on the race until it actually happens that this makes discerning a path impossible. Training camp for me surfaced a lot of fears I didn't know I had. I am afraid. The world race is intense. I'm afraid that I can't do this. I'm afraid the being so physically uncomfortable will be too much for me. I'm afraid I won't connect with people. I'm afraid people won't accept me or want me around. I'm afraid I will come out and not be changed. I'm afraid I'm not strong enough. I'm afraid of commitment… of fully committing and then everything falling through, of putting my all of my hopes and fears and everything I am out there and God not coming through because I have expectations that are wrong. I'm afraid of committing and failing…of committing and not being able to turn around and go back when things get tough or shaky-when everything in my head says “run.” But you can't grasp hold of a new shore if you keep one foot on the one you are on. The right path is not always desirable and comfortable. Sometimes you just have to jump and hope God catches you. So I guess I’m going on this insane journey and trusting God with the rest. Terrifying.
“For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.” Matthew 16:25
Some thoughts from Seth Barnes, founder of the World Race, about the journey:
“And then the process of abandoning that life and becoming a vagabond for a year gradually undoes them. Leaving home, family, jobs, and friends behind equips them with a poverty they never lived in before. And eventually, it catches up with their spirit. It wears on them. They begin to break and change.
In short, they transform from the protected elite to the poor in spirit. It's a hard transition, but it forces them to their knees. They begin to call out to God in new ways. In their newly humbled state, aware of their need, they begin to seek God with a new desperation.
If he doesn't show up, they are toast. Their own resources aren't enough – their spiritual shelves are empty. And in that place of need, God shows up and reorders the economy of their lives.”
