Why is it that although I have dedicated this whole year to doing His work, I still feel far from Him?
For the past 6 months, my number one prayer request has been quality quiet time with the Lord. In between the “doing” I found that I had difficulty “being” – being with Him. He finally answered my prayer and in a way that I did not expect. It wasn’t supernatural energy that He gave me so that I can wake up early in the morning for prayer or stay up late in the evening for prayer. And it wasn’t just being in a prayerful attitude day and night while doing ministry. Instead, He took away the busyness of “ministry”, the busyness of serving – He took away the attitude of Martha and instilled in me the attitude of Mary.
For the past month, I did not hold any orphans, I did not plant any churches, nor did I do any village outreaches. I didn’t do anything that resembled the past six months, but this was one of the most life-changing months I’ve had. He created an environment for me where I was able to be still and know that He is God. He brought me to a place of deeper relationship not just with Him but with the people of whom I was living in community. He taught me what it means to live in community. To share everything, to seek God together, to pray with and for one another, to carry each others burdens and perhaps the most challenging of all – to not write my name on “my” food items.
After Swaziland debrief, ZEO was lead to stay with an American missionary couple, Tom and Cindy, at Gordon’s Bay – near Capetown, South Africa. I felt a probing in my heart to stay with Tom and Cindy so that I can learn how to go deeper in prayer and to hear God’s voice – to be with Him. And as much as I struggled with being quiet and praying, I knew this was what I needed to do. This was what God was calling me to this season and Tom and Cindy would mentor me.
Tom and Cindy created a stress-free, “no-condemnation” environment, which I believe was key in helping me to BE still. Everything that I knew was so performance-based; from personal life to social life to corporate life and even to a certain degree, going on this trip was. I had always set out to do something, to accomplish something and it didn’t have to necessarily be anything great but if it was, it was just that much better. I’d received that much more affirmation from family, friends, co-workers, bosses, etc… Before I knew it, what I did and how I looked to people began to define who I was. So naturally, coming on this trip, I was set to perform for God; to do what the Bible says I should do. However, all this came to a screeching halt this month.
This month I learned to be still and know that He is God and then to really know who I am, which sounds silly, but really just sitting and realizing that what I do does not define who I am. I grasped the fact that if everything got ripped from me and if I could not perform anything for Anyone that I was still loved and affirmed by God. I understood what it meant to be unworthy but that God loved me so much that through Christ, I am made the daughter of the Most High King! Not just knowing that, which I’ve known almost all my life, but really grasping that and synchronizing that head knowledge with my heart. To realize that what I do or don’t do does not affect His love for me. And then because of who I really am, I go out and represent Jesus;
to be His hands and feet. Not to do something out of obligation, for the sake of performance or because the Bible tells me to.
Being still is the best thing I could’ve “been” this month or better yet, this lifetime. I have learned what it means to “Just Be It” instead of “Just Do It” as Tom would say. I’ve been doing a lot in the past six months and every bit of it has been amazingly wonderful. But now, I wake up and am more aware of how I can just be – just be the hands and feet of the Most High King.
