Flash back 5 months ago. I sat contently on a plane from NYC to LAX after spending my New Years in New York. On the six-hour flight back, there was no TV to keep me occupied so I sat and thought, and prayed, and thought. As our flight soared over the US I realized now more than ever that after I graduated, the World Race was the next step; I had no doubts that was where I was being led.
Flash forward to now, May 17 2012. I applied, interviewed and was accepted on to the September Route 1 squad. I am, God willing, to travel on the WR from September 2012 to August 2013. It happened, I was accepted, and since, along with finishing my Bachelor’s degree and graduating a few weeks ago, I have been working towards making this dream a reality.
And now there is doubt, discouragement, and some lost hope.
I have begun to question my own wiliness to do this. Though, everything in my heart and spirit still remains committed to this. But the questions of “Can I really do this?”
“Am I cut out for this?” come to mind. And the resounding answers in my heart are, “I still want to do this.” “I’m scared.” “If I never do this, I know, I will always regret, always wonder, always question.”
But then more questions arrive, “What if I was wrong?” “What if I’m not to do this?” “What if this is not the next step?” “What if the timing is wrong?”
I’ve been praying, asking God for confirmation and as the pervading theme of my life takes over: All I hear is silence. I am learning to just WAIT.
Along with my doubts of ability to partake in this mission, there is also the issue of fundraising aka money.
Let’s be real, money is a stress maker, turns people into animals, makes you want to cry, and yet it’s the force that basically rules the world. We all need money to live, to survive.
I am to raise $15,000 in order to do the World Race.
I need $4,000 by July, $6,000 by September.
But if I am being honest with you all, I have not even hit the $1,000 mark on funding.
I have sent out letters asking for help (which by the way, I always hope people receive this well.) I have prayed, and I have sent out more.
And yet another question, “How?” “How?”
I recognize that in order to actually fundraise money, I am to be mobilizing, working hard, and pushing to get any money I can.
As of today, I have a grand old yard sale to set to fundraise, will hopefully be doing a Chick-fil-A fundraiser at the restaurant near my job in downtown LA. I also will be working full time and setting aside money from my job towards my trip. I also will be recycling the massive load my family has collected after the past few months, which will hopefully bring in some money. I also have a few other mini-fundraising ideas in mind and I will soon be putting them to work.
And despite all my questions, my doubts, my fears, and discouraged heart, I still, deep inside the crevices of my soul, long to go.
But I am stilling waiting…
Waiting to see this trip confirmed,
Waiting to see if I can fundraise the money on time.
Waiting to know if this is right time.
Waiting to see if this what I am even suppose to be doing next.
This seed was sown about 2 years ago but I wonder if this desire is to flourish or be uprooted, soiled turned, and new seeds stored or perhaps now is not the time.
Yet again, in my heart, I still long to go.
I would love your prayers, I need your prayers.
If you feel so inclined to help me, even in the smallest measure,
I would appreciate it so much.
