I wasn't supposed to go on World Race. This wasn't my plan. I mean seriously, why in the world would I want to go on an 11 month mission trip when I'll be a single 28 year-old woman when I return? Doesn’t. Make. Sense.
I never would have found this appealing because this is completely opposite of my plan. By now I was suppose to be married and have children on the way (haha sounds really creepy huh?). But that hasn’t happened and a part of my heart hurts because of it. Yet, God knows my heart, He knows I long for a husband. He knows my desire to have a family and to be a mother. Ok quick secret confession: I have an apron collection hung up in my closet [anthropology aprons are my guilty pleasure 🙂 ] and I anticipate the day I can wear them and bake/cook my family dinner or holiday meals (yikes, am I the poster child for anti-feminism or what? let me bake you cookies and then you can forgive me).
But I think it’s normal for us to have these desires in our hearts. We all have those daydream moments when we look toward our future.
However, when I look at my past, an overlying theme in my testimony reveals a deep hurt and reliance I sought through dating and relationships. I relied on relationships to fulfill an emptiness in my life. It became routine to have a boyfriend because without that security, I felt incomplete. Then I realized if I ever wanted to really love God with all of my heart I had to make him number one. I remember when I was ready to lay this down and I completely stopped dating. I remember the struggle of surrendering this hurt of mine to the Lord. For so long I held on to this crutch, I thought if I had a boyfriend then all of the cards of my life would fall into place. But time after time I realized I was left wanting more. I knew this void in my life could only be fulfilled by God. It sounds so dramatic and cheesy, but I literally fell to my knees as I realized if I ever wanted to truly give God my heart, I had to know and accept that He is the only one who can complete it [cue eye roll ;)] . I had turned my life over into His hands before, but now, in order to really grow in my faith I had to let go of this dependence. As I laid down my hurt, I grew in my faith. I began to experienced a new life through surrender and humility and I could feel God working in my heart.
17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. 2 Corinthians 5:17
But then it came to that decision. Ugggghhhh, that horrible decision that I knew I had to make(ok not really horrible, you know what I mean). I felt God pulling my heart toward this short-term mission called World Race.
Overtime, I heard Him say, "Lyndsay do you really trust me?", "Do you really believe I complete you, that I am your Savior, that I fulfill you?”, “Lyndsay you are mine, but do you truly believe it?", “You care about your future, but what about my heart, my mission, my people?” I knew at that moment I had to say yes to Jesus, pick up my cross and go. But that meant I had to let go of “my dream”.
23 And he said to all, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. 24 For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it. Luke 9:23-24
I told God, “You know my dreams and my heart, you hold my future. I'm so scared, but God I want to want you more than a husband. I want to know and experience that you are greater than anything in my life. God you are the love of my life and I want to not just know that, but wholeheartedly believe it. God I want to give up my dream for your dream. I want to love you with all of my heart”.
Awww cute right? But here’s the thing. It ain’t (yea I said ain’t) all bunnies and rainbows from here. I’m going to fail, I’m going to mess up, I’m going to get scared and I will definitely cry. There will be the moments I forget to trust the Lord; there will be the moments I am filled with anxiety and fear because I begin to rely on myself. There will be the moments I want to give up, the moments I doubt, and the moments I want to quit.
But the good news is we have a Redeemer, we have a Savior, and there is a Holy Spirit who will fill us up when we have no strength! Our God is compassionate, He is caring, He knows all, and amidst all of our failures– He pours His grace over us. Our Heavenly Father never changes. He is near and He sees us. He holds us, He knows our pain, and He knows every desire in our hearts. He will give me all I need for this journey.
19 And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus. 20 To our God and Father be glory forever and ever. Amen. Philippians 4:19,20
When I think about the World Race and what I hope to accomplish I realize that NONE of the good that arises from it is because of me. Yet, God is choosing to use my teammates and I to love others and to share the good news of His glory. Even though I ain’t (déjà vu?) perfect, He wants to use me. He strengthens me to shed a past life of regrets, shame, and brokenness. And I pray through this journey God will help me shed this chip of insecurity that rests upon my shoulders. I pray He will show me His mission and His heart so I can love His children throughout the world.
Here I tend to worry so much about me and my future, but it’s about far more, it’s about His Kingdom. It is my prayer through World Race that my eyes are opened to His story, that rather than focus on my past or future, that I may focus on His heart, His mission, and that I may love His people.
4 Make me to know your ways, O Lord; teach me your paths. 5 Lead me in your truth and teach me, for you are the God of my salvation; for you I wait all the day long. Psalm 25:4,5
Peace and love,
Lyndsay
Whether you are a student, friend, family member, or heck, even someone I don’t know– I invite you on this journey with me! Please comment, please ask questions, and feel free to e-mail me!
Next blog: Please check back to read about my journey and how you can support me!!
